Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Moving to Word Press.....

I like the Word Press site better to follow other bloggers as well as write my own blog.

If you are following me thru blogger, thank you.  Please continue to follow me on word press, as that will be the only location going forward where I will post.  I have moved all my previous entries to word press because they are part of my sober journey.


Thank you for your support!

Momma Bee

Monday, April 7, 2014

Tonight is my first AA Meeting

My sober friend is taking me to my first AA meeting tonight... she is picking me a lil early so we can get coffee.  Its a Big Book meeting and it is co-ed.  That is all I know~ I checked online and I think its a few towns over, actually a meeting I saw online and thought, that could fit in my schedule.

Yesterday while eating breakfast alone with my boyfriend I finally brought it up.  He knows nothing of my sober blog, friends in the sober blogging world etc.  I was nervous and on the verge of tears.... I always get like this on "tough topics".  I said, "I have something to ask you?"  Then I was getting choked up, waited a few moments and he said, What?  I started to talk and you can hear my the quivering teared up voice.  He said, oh jeez, what is it now?  I ignored that comment~lol!.  I mumbled out, "Do you like me better as a non drinker?"  Honey, I like you any way you are.  "Well I like myself better and I feel better.  I don't feel guilt, shame etc."  He said, you seem happier, we get along better and we don't fight.  (Yup, all true!) "I reached out to an old friend and she asked me to go to an AA meeting with her and I think I will."  Does she have an issue with drinking?  "No, she has been sober for 9 years."  Do you feel you need it?  Do you have cravings?  "No, I don't have cravings anymore, I just think I am better off.  I'm a better mom now and it is not healthy for me and when I drink, I want more until it is all gone."  Well its good you don't have cravings.  "I don't want this to affect our relationship.  I don't want people to talk about me or say I am a loser." If anyone says anything bad about you or anything negative, I will punch them in the fucking face.  Conversation ended as my son walked into the door......

I think I was more scared to just talk about it out loud and in person with someone in my real life...... we have talked about my alcohol intake a few times the past 2 years.  It is no secret that I have hidden the amounts I drank, my drinking alone, getting shit faced and pretending I am not.  As well as all the other shit over drinkers do. He has always supported me when I cut back and when I did my 100 sober days this past winter.  (However he still drank and will continue to drink.) There is so much more I could of said and more in depth I could of went but I think that was enough for yesterday.  Drinking is an issue for me and in my opinion, as well for him.  He is a big drinker and can drink beer like no other.  However, this is not about him, its about me.  He doesn't really drink at home, thank God but he still drinks.  As long as I worry about myself and not his drinking, things will be fine.  I can only focus on me.  If he is happy with his drinking habits, than so be it.

I am not happy with mine.

Wish me luck tonight~

Momma Bee
Day 20

Friday, April 4, 2014

I reached out~

I ran into an old friend yesterday and we had a nice conversation.  After we parted I thought to myself, that was a sign that I ran into "Sally."  "Sally" I thought was in recovery but I wasn't positive.  So later in the day I sent her a FB message and asked her, do you happen to go to AA??  I was a nervous wreck all day waiting for her response.  Maybe she doesn't go to AA or maybe she feel I violated her privacy.  Later last night she responded and it was wonderful.  She is in recovery and has been for the past several years.  She is passionate about her recovery and offered her cell and any assistance about meetings or any other info she could offer.  I responded to her that it is me looking for some local AA meetings.  We have exchanged a few messages already today and I feel so much better.  I was petrified to reach out for some real life support. Back in January, I went to a meeting and couldn't walk inside.  I sat in the parking lot next door watching a few men go in and I just couldn't bring myself to go.  I am not sure if AA is for me but I do know that my alcohol consumption the last few years was getting worse and it would only be a matter of time before something really bad might happen.  I don't know what my future holds but I do know I want to be in a better place mentally and physically.  I want to be better mom and be more present for my children.  My depression, anxiety as of late isn't helping me be the best mom, girlfriend, daughter, friend or employee that I can be.

Until recently, I didn't realize how many moms, normal ladies like myself were struggling with alcohol.  Our society has a negative stigma of people who struggle with alcoholism or any addiction.  There are so many men and women and probably a few in our own social circles that are struggling and too scared to raise their hand and say, I think I need help.  I know because I am or was one of them.

Please watch this clip from this weeks Today Show, it may help you or someone you know to understand they are not alone and maybe will raise their hand and ask for some help.  


Thanks for reading and your support.  It is because many of you I am finally on the road to recovery.

Momma Bee
Day 17