Onto Day 4

I don't even know what to write..... I'm an emotional mess this morning. My plans for the weekend to find some me time to relax and help me stay away from any triggers or stressors to make me say, Fuck it, I deserve some wine, is backfiring. I know only I can control what I put in my glass but the problem is I don't trust me yet. I really want this. I want a few days to turn into a few weeks so I can look at myself in the mirror again and not cringe. I'm out of shape, pale, and a swollen mess. My goal was to spend some relaxation time at the beach, read a trashy novel and get some sun this weekend. Sun, Vitamin D helps my mood and a little color on my body helps me mentally. However kids (mainly one) isn't following my plan. So of course the emotional fragile state I am in I blow up. Mom this is what you do you freak out.  Yes, b/c no one asks me what I want! Everyone around here does what they want and I work around your plans and schedules. No one knows How bad I am.  I want to get out of this depressed state and stop this madness before its too late and something bad happens. 

So I will take it hour by hour and get thru today. I'll try to snap out of this pity party and stay strong. The bad moments will pass and I think thru it. 

I can do this. I deserve this. I am worth it. 

As a friend says, Fuck you Wolfie.

Momma Bee 

Clear thoughts suck.....

It's only going on Day 2 and my stupid mind is thinking and feelings are coming to the surface. I don't like it. I want to go back to burying my head in the sand. Buzzed, drunk or hung over is so much easier. Bills, money problems, kids, an X husband and boyfriend issues are so much easier with wine, right? 

The thought of a drink entered my mind last night cleaning up dinner, my normal drinking time. I didn't do it. Cleaned up read, played on my iPad and fell asleep. I was exhausted. I'm looking forward to better sleep. I'm trying not to think too far ahead, like what's on tap this weekend.....

Woke up early and hit the gym this Morning. Regulars said, hey where you been? Taking night classes? I'm lucky if I've been going once a week the last few months.  I once was a regular morning 6am gal! Hopefully tomorrow morning I will be back at the gym for 2 days in a row!

Time to get to work!

Momma Bee

Day 1

I decided to start blogging again.  I originally started this blog because inside my head I knew I needed to stop my drinking. I don't drink like a "normal drinker". I used a Whole 30 clean eating plan so friends/family knew why I wasn't drinking. No one knew the real main reason.

7 months later, I'm going to attempt again stringing a few days in a row to get stronger and feeling better in hopes the days turn to weeks and who knows maybe a month or so. I've done a few weeks before and it felt great to wake up feeling normal and clear minded.

Today is my sons 14th Bday, maybe it will be a new birthday for me too.

Momma Bee

Day 6 of Whole 30

My stomach is a mess today... I ate way too much dried un-sulfured fruit last night...

I had my first Whole 30 cheat, I licked a tiny bit of peanut butter off my finger last night making kids lunches.... I need to up my water intake too.  I am getting in my protein, fruits and veggies.

No wine (or any alcohol) in 8 days.  God this feels good.  I'm sleeping like a baby and wish I could sleep more.

I was very bitchy this weekend, well more short tempered.  I told the kids mommy is cranky please just do what I say.  They didnt listen, lol.  It's the constant bickering between the two that really sends me into a tizzy. I wasn't really emotional this past weekend, I bet that is coming.  BF is away until later tonight.  He is the one that seems to trigger my emotions when I am not eating sugar or drinking.  I haven't heard from him since he left Friday.... he texted me Saturday a "Good Morning" and I texted the same thing back... that was the last I heard.  I told him no need to call all weekend unless an emergency arises, he is away with his buddies.  He ticked me off Wednesday and Thursday night and I haven't even spent time with him since New Years Day.  I'm happy I had some alone time this weekend.  Our relationship has had so many ups and downs.... its getting kind of old... like my drinking.  Since he has been gone, I really had no urges to drink...

I've been reading many different blogs and one I have been following is making me question myself....

Why don't I just do it??? Tell the world, I'm not drinking for ___________ days or I'm not drinking anymore.  What is holding me back?  What am I afraid of?  Failure? Admitting that I don't have control when I start to drink? I know drinking is not healthy for me and it makes me more depressed.  I just recently watched a documentary, Fat, Sick & Nearly Dying.  I know alcohol, processed foods, and sugar is no good, especially for me.  I watched Biggest Loser last night and made my kids watch it with me.  (I have one athletic skinny kid and one video gamer over weight kid.)   I want them to learn how hard it is being overweight as a child and how teasing hurts.  I was that kid too growing up.  I ate for comfort.  To this day, I eat for comfort and maybe I drink for comfort too.  I know continuous healthy eating and exercise is the answer, I have done it before.  I was once over 300 lbs, now I fluctuate around 180. 

Do I need Jillian yelling in my face,  what's holding you back?  Stop being a baby and making excuses and just do it!

I think the answer lies inside of me and I need help or the courage to find it.  The first step is being honest with myself and seeking therapy... I've scratched that surface a few times in the last year and it got hard and real and I didn't want to deal with it.  I made up excuses (kids, money, time, work) and cancelled those appointments....

So after these 30 Days, I'm hoping the motivation or light bulb will click on and I will see the light....

Until then, I keep plugging away one day at a time.

Momma Bee

Day 3 of Whole 30

With friends I started another Whole 30 Day Challenge... basically eating clean, no sugar or processed items and of course, no alcohol. I haven't had any alcohol since Sunday actually.  I was in bed on New Years Eve by 11 pm.  It felt wonderful to wake up hangover free New Years Day.  I had plenty of wine over Christmas week.  I feel good going into the weekend, the kids and I have some fun things to do and I hope to take down the Xmas decorations.  BF is going away for a long weekend, so I won't be tempted to have some wine.  We bought a fake tree this year... I fought it, the BF brought it home and you know what, I love it!!  It looks perfect and there is no mess.  I'm not even in a hurry to take it down.  This weekend I will take down the knick knacks and maybe leave the tree up a little longer.  If people can put tress up a month before Christmas, I can keep mine up a little while longer after, right??

I haven't had any urges to drink at all but again its only been 4 days.  I'm feeling good this week b/c I have been eating right, exercising and last night I slept like a baby.  I haven't slept that good since my last 30 Day Challenge.  I know I will get moody soon from the sugar withdrawal.  I ate enough cookies last month, more than I the last 2 years I bet.  I gained 8 lbs since mid November... that weight needs to come off quick. 

I was doing so well last Fall, eating better, exercising and not drinking. I'm looking forward to that again. 

That's the plan this month.... focusing on my health!

Momma Bee

Christmas is over.....

Well Christmas is officially over and I dont have any plans or parties on the horizon the next week, even for New Years.  I have to work all week (not weekends). My children are with me for New Years so we will do something kid friendly.   We are invited to a kid friendly party but I dont even want to go... right now I think staying home might be the plan.

After 5 days of no alcohol last week, I had 3 days of lots.  Two big shin digs on Saturday the 22nd that left me with one of those nasty hangovers.  Sunday I had a Bloody Mary at lunch to help kick the Hair of the Dog.  Nope, didnt help.  I think I had a headache off and on for 2 days.  Xmas Eve I had plenty of wine and on Xmas Day I had  more wine.  I paid for it.  My stomach has been on fire.... between the sugar, wine and junk food, my body is not happy. Today, I am staying away from sugar and the rest of week I'm pledging no wine ( or any alcohol) either. 

January 2, I am starting a Whole 30 Clean Food Challenge to get my body back on track, which includes no alcohol. I need it.  I have done this challenge before.  Some friends are doing it with me so I have a good support group.  Not only do I know I need to kick the alcohol habit, I see that sugar is my problem also.  This past month when I started drinking more again, I started to eat more sugar and processed foods. 

So its time to focus on my health, physically and mentally.  I would love to say I am going alcohol free in 2013. Am I weak? Am I afraid to commit or admit I may have a problem?  I finally realized I have been using alcohol to cope with stress, my feelings etc.  I can't believe I was in such a fog the last two years.  Do I just need a good therapist?  Do I just want moderation to be my answer, oh wait, I have been trying moderation. 

So I guess I'm just going to stay in limbo for a while until I make a commitment and a decision and stick with it.  Someone blogged about or recently told me, dont take too much on.  Just focus on something little.  So I will.  January I will officially start my challenge, eat clean whole foods and NO alcohol.  Get back into my work out routine. 

That's the plan.... one day at a time.

Momma Bee




 

The Plan....

I stuck to my plan.... No drinks tonight.  My son and I had a nice dinner with a friend and her son.  It was nice to chat with her...we don't get to see each other often.  Came home, finished Xmas cards and watched some TV.  So nice to have 5 days straight of no alcohol.

In October I had 3 weeks straight... My goal for 2013 is a lot more days of no alcohol.  Jan 2 starts my 30 day Whole 30 Clean Food Challenge.... Not sure which will be harder, wine or sugar?

I'm looking forward to a Healthier 2013, both mentally and physically!

First up tomorrow, hitting the gym then lots of cleaning!

Off to bed, looking forward to a good nights sleep!

Momma Bee