a better day

I wanted to check in today~ I am feeling so much better. I had a few sober bloggers reach out with some kind and encouraging words and it really helped me.  I also had a session with my therapist last night and prior to our meeting I sent her a copy of what I wrote in my blog.  For the hour we didn't even talk about the food issues per se, it was more about me, the inner child, and the hurt I was feeling for myself.  It felt good to be honest with her.  I know my issues with alcohol and food are related.  I have no idea what I am avoiding or searching if anything at all.  I am pretty sure there is any personal drama I experienced as a child, I think I just don't know how to self care for me.  How to handle emotions and feelings and express them when I need too.  I am a people pleaser, I don't want to disappoint or hurt anyone.  I want to make people happy, surprise them with little gifts or do something thoughtful.  Now, I have to figure out how to do those lil things for the inner me.


How can I make things better for the inner me?  I am present today and promise to stay close to my sober community.  I dusted off my sober tool box and will take things slow. 


Binging on food or alcohol is not going to work.  My little Wolfie brain tries to trick me and think it will but it never does....


Well maybe a few special homemade cookies from a special friend helps but not a sleeve of processed Oreos......


Thanks for reading & your support!


Momma Bee

Happy New Year

 

 

Happy New Year! 

 

I am looking forward to 2014 actually.  I am not making any big resolutions this year, not because every year I never stick to them but because I am already working on my resolution.  Today marks  70 days since I had a hangover or any booze.  It hasn't been easy the whole time but it hasn't been very hard either.  Dealing with my emotions has been the hardest and at times I felt like a basket case but I haven't give in.  I am proud at how far I have come and I look forward to how far I can go in 2014.  I will continue my journey to refrain from alcohol, continue the therapy sessions that deal with my relationship with food, continue taking my antidepressant and get my ass back to the gym.  I look forward to being more present for my children and all other areas of my personal and professional life in 2014.  I hope that my mood swings will even out in the new year and my mental health keeps improving.  Mentally, I feel so much better than this past summer.  I have my yearly physical in early January and I will speak to my MD about my recent anxiety and see if my script from last year is right for me now.

 

I wish you all many blessings in 2014 and I thank you for all your support. 

 

Momma Bee

 

Catching up on Day 66

I haven't fell off the face of the earth.... I had a very nice sober Christmas and my family did as well.  The kids made out like bandits again, spoiled rotten by the entire family.  We enjoyed a quiet relaxing Christmas day at home in our pajamas all day and we had a delicious dinner of Prime Rib prepared by my BF.  It couldn't of been any better.  My BF gave me a fancy camera and I am looking forward to a new hobby of taking photos of the kids and the outside world.  I am in awe when I see pretty photos of nature, or children taken by others and I really would like to try my hand at it.  It was the best gift I could of asked for.  We are vacationing in South America this coming February and I can't wait to take lots of photos. 

 

Today marks 66 days since my last hangover or drink if you will.  I like to think of it as my last hangover, the awful feeling of pain, guilt, shame and everything else that comes with it.  I am still listening to sober podcasts from Belle and the Bubble Hour, reading blogs about others journey's of  sobriety and started seeing a therapist for my food related issues.  I am happy that in the upcoming New Year I am not filled with regret of not achieving anything positive in regards to my health in 2013.  It did take me about 10 months of excessive drinking and eating this year to finally say, ENOUGH,  I can't do this anymore!!! I finally did say enough and I have begun on the path of recovery.  I have a big issue with using food and booze to deal and cope with my feelings and emotions and I am finally addressing it after all these years.  Well I hope I continue to address my issues in the new year and in hopes 2014 I will be much happier with myself both mentally and physically. 

 

My goal was to go 100 days without any booze.  I have attempted to do this once before and failed after 15 days.  I am not sure what clicked this time and I really don't think that matters,  I am just proud of myself for how far I have come.   

 

My journey will not be over at 100 days and I believe it will just be beginning of a "new life" as I turn 40 this summer.  

 

I am looking forward to a new year, a new outlook and new beginnings. 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for reading! 

 

Momma Bee

Feelings

Something really weird happened to me this morning.  I was sitting and reading the book, by Mr. Sponsor Pants, called  Adventures in Sobriety.  Out of no where a memory flooded my mind.  I pictured my son around 1 1/2 in a whirlpool tub with my x-husband with bubbles up to their neck.  It was a real memory of a vacation when it was just the 3 of us (before my other child was born).  I actually have a photo of this moment.  I have no idea why this memory popped into my head and I was flooded with sadness.  Fast forward 12 years, I am divorced and my son and his father have an estranged relationship at the moment.  I was sad because there will be no more family moments like that.  I have been divorced for over 6 years.  I thought to myself, here is a feeling of sadness and there is nothing to do but embrace the moment.  I went in my bedroom and just sat quietly for a few moments and it passed.

I have no idea where I am really going with this but since I am sober now (44 days) I am starting to notice my emotions more.  If this happened months ago, I would not have poured a glass of wine at 8 am to rid the memory but I would have dismissed it and thought a negative thought about my X husband.  Today, I just thought about the memory, shed a tear for a moment and just went about my morning routine.  I felt the sadness and let it go.  Shortly following I was smiling and singing a favorite song. 

Being sober I no longer have wine to make me feel better when I am sad.  I won't be able to ignore my feelings and stuff them back inside.  I never realized I did this but I am assuming that there is something, I am not sure what that something is (and not sure I want to know) that instead of feeling or dealing with my emotions, I used food and or booze to comfort myself.  I believe this goes back to my early teen years. 

I believe there is something inside my mind that I need to address.  I am finally seeing that I have a unhealthy relationship with food, booze and myself. 

Momma Bee