Monday, March 24, 2014

Checking in....

Just wanted to check in...... I promised myself I would be more active and accountable on my blog.

Today is Day 6 and I had a good sober weekend.  Friday night I just stayed in and that was fine by me.  Saturday evening I had plans to attend a big St. Patty's Day bash.  I offered to be the DD and it ended up just being my BF and I in our car.  I brought my own sparkling water and had no urges to drink even when just about everyone else was.  When I was getting dressed to go, I admit there was a little voice in my head (aka Wolfie) that said, don't you want a drink tonight?  I thought to myself, seriously it has only been 3 days, No F*$@ing way.   I guess that was my way to tell Wolfie to get lost.

I didn't feel left out at the party and I had a good time socializing with my friends  I slept in late and enjoyed our late family breakfast.  I got some big chores done around the house that I have been avoiding and I would not have done them if I was hung-over. 

My big plans this week is to get in some gym time and go to bed when I am tired, not fall asleep on the sofa.  Too many times when I wake up on the sofa, go upstairs, have a hard time falling asleep and then I shut off my early gym alarm.  It's another vicious cycle I need to break. 

Thanks for reading & your support~

Momma Bee


Thursday, March 20, 2014

a better day

I wanted to check in today~ I am feeling so much better. I had a few sober bloggers reach out with some kind and encouraging words and it really helped me.  I also had a session with my therapist last night and prior to our meeting I sent her a copy of what I wrote in my blog.  For the hour we didn't even talk about the food issues per se, it was more about me, the inner child, and the hurt I was feeling for myself.  It felt good to be honest with her.  I know my issues with alcohol and food are related.  I have no idea what I am avoiding or searching if anything at all.  I am pretty sure there is any personal drama I experienced as a child, I think I just don't know how to self care for me.  How to handle emotions and feelings and express them when I need too.  I am a people pleaser, I don't want to disappoint or hurt anyone.  I want to make people happy, surprise them with little gifts or do something thoughtful.  Now, I have to figure out how to do those lil things for the inner me.

How can I make things better for the inner me?  I am present today and promise to stay close to my sober community.  I dusted off my sober tool box and will take things slow. 

Binging on food or alcohol is not going to work.  My little Wolfie brain tries to trick me and think it will but it never does....

Well maybe a few special homemade cookies from a special friend helps but not a sleeve of processed Oreos......

Thanks for reading & your support!

Momma Bee

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Where do I go from here?

the guilt is rising inside me.... I don't want to think about it..... I want to pretend it is not happening.  I let myself slip back into my old ways.  I want to not think and live in a bubble where everything is perfect and not deal with my feelings, thoughts, emotions, I just want to be.


I felt great not drinking and working on me for those 100 days.  Now, 5 weeks after my vacation where I started drinking again I can see myself going back to that dark place. Today I feel depressed, guilt, anger, and hatred with myself.  In these past 5 weeks, I drank 6 times at social events but not at home.  That was ok right, because they were special events and I wasn't drinking at home or alone?  Each time was in excess and I was drunk at the end of the night.  However last night I drank at home, alone (per se) and I kind of hid it.  (meaning I didn't say, hey honey I'm having a bloody mary in my big red solo cup, care to join me?) I had two large Bloody Mary's and finished off the vodka.  That vodka has been in the house since October 23, when I vowed to quit for 100 days.  (See Belle's blog:)

I never touched that vodka or my honey's beer.  Never had the desire or thought too.  I drank at home quite often the last two years and most of the time alone while everyone else was asleep.  Many mornings I would wake with an obnoxious hangover.  I don't want that anymore.  I don't want to be that person again.....

During those 100 days, once I had a few weeks under my belt, the thought never crossed my mind to stop and pick up a bottle of wine after work.  I would go through my normal evening routine with no thought of drinking.  Yesterday was a different story when driving home.  I had to tell myself, don't stop, don't do it.  I reached out and texted a friend from my sober blogging world.  I texted her, I will not drink today.  I told myself, I will not drink tonight.  I used Belle's technique/thought process: just for today, just for tonight I will not drink.  I walked into my house and 10 minutes later while making dinner, I made my cocktail.


Why was I determined 10 minutes after I told my friend I wouldn't drink that I did?  Why, when I was driving home listening to the Bubble Hour podcast on high functioning alcoholics
did I have to turn it off?  I was relating as usual to the many things being discussed by the hosts, that I decided to stop listening and turn it off.  I turned it off because I knew in my head I didn't want to hear it.  I wanted a drink.  I wanted to zone out.  I wanted to relax.  I wanted something to make me not think.  I wanted to escape.

Why?  Why zone out, escape reality?  Why? 

What am I avoiding or searching for?

Today I sit here, not hung over but guilt ridden.  I didn't drink enough to get drunk.  That is not bothering me but its the fact I did it when I said I wouldn't.  I did it at home which has been my sober safe place.  I did it in hiding. 

Where do I go from here?

Momma Bee