I don't even know what to write..... I'm an emotional mess this morning. My plans for the weekend to find some me time to relax and help me stay away from any triggers or stressors to make me say, Fuck it, I deserve some wine, is backfiring. I know only I can control what I put in my glass but the problem is I don't trust me yet. I really want this. I want a few days to turn into a few weeks so I can look at myself in the mirror again and not cringe. I'm out of shape, pale, and a swollen mess. My goal was to spend some relaxation time at the beach, read a trashy novel and get some sun this weekend. Sun, Vitamin D helps my mood and a little color on my body helps me mentally. However kids (mainly one) isn't following my plan. So of course the emotional fragile state I am in I blow up. Mom this is what you do you freak out. Yes, b/c no one asks me what I want! Everyone around here does what they want and I work around your plans and schedules. No one knows How bad I am. I want to get out of this depressed state and stop this madness before its too late and something bad happens.
So I will take it hour by hour and get thru today. I'll try to snap out of this pity party and stay strong. The bad moments will pass and I think thru it.
It's only going on Day 2 and my stupid mind is thinking and feelings are coming to the surface. I don't like it. I want to go back to burying my head in the sand. Buzzed, drunk or hung over is so much easier. Bills, money problems, kids, an X husband and boyfriend issues are so much easier with wine, right?
The thought of a drink entered my mind last night cleaning up dinner, my normal drinking time. I didn't do it. Cleaned up read, played on my iPad and fell asleep. I was exhausted. I'm looking forward to better sleep. I'm trying not to think too far ahead, like what's on tap this weekend.....
Woke up early and hit the gym this Morning. Regulars said, hey where you been? Taking night classes? I'm lucky if I've been going once a week the last few months. I once was a regular morning 6am gal! Hopefully tomorrow morning I will be back at the gym for 2 days in a row!
I decided to start blogging again. I originally started this blog because inside my head I knew I needed to stop my drinking. I don't drink like a "normal drinker". I used a Whole 30 clean eating plan so friends/family knew why I wasn't drinking. No one knew the real main reason.
7 months later, I'm going to attempt again stringing a few days in a row to get stronger and feeling better in hopes the days turn to weeks and who knows maybe a month or so. I've done a few weeks before and it felt great to wake up feeling normal and clear minded.
Today is my sons 14th Bday, maybe it will be a new birthday for me too.