Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Happy New Year

Happy New Year! 
I am looking forward to 2014 actually.  I am not making any big resolutions this year, not because every year I never stick to them but because I am already working on my resolution.  Today marks  70 days since I had a hangover or any booze.  It hasn't been easy the whole time but it hasn't been very hard either.  Dealing with my emotions has been the hardest and at times I felt like a basket case but I haven't give in.  I am proud at how far I have come and I look forward to how far I can go in 2014.  I will continue my journey to refrain from alcohol, continue the therapy sessions that deal with my relationship with food, continue taking my antidepressant and get my ass back to the gym.  I look forward to being more present for my children and all other areas of my personal and professional life in 2014.  I hope that my mood swings will even out in the new year and my mental health keeps improving.  Mentally, I feel so much better than this past summer.  I have my yearly physical in early January and I will speak to my MD about my recent anxiety and see if my script from last year is right for me now.
I wish you all many blessings in 2014 and I thank you for all your support. 
Momma Bee


Friday, December 27, 2013

Catching up on Day 66

I haven't fell off the face of the earth.... I had a very nice sober Christmas and my family did as well.  The kids made out like bandits again, spoiled rotten by the entire family.  We enjoyed a quiet relaxing Christmas day at home in our pajamas all day and we had a delicious dinner of Prime Rib prepared by my BF.  It couldn't of been any better.  My BF gave me a fancy camera and I am looking forward to a new hobby of taking photos of the kids and the outside world.  I am in awe when I see pretty photos of nature, or children taken by others and I really would like to try my hand at it.  It was the best gift I could of asked for.  We are vacationing in South America this coming February and I can't wait to take lots of photos. 
Today marks 66 days since my last hangover or drink if you will.  I like to think of it as my last hangover, the awful feeling of pain, guilt, shame and everything else that comes with it.  I am still listening to sober podcasts from Belle and the Bubble Hour, reading blogs about others journey's of  sobriety and started seeing a therapist for my food related issues.  I am happy that in the upcoming New Year I am not filled with regret of not achieving anything positive in regards to my health in 2013.  It did take me about 10 months of excessive drinking and eating this year to finally say, ENOUGH,  I can't do this anymore!!! I finally did say enough and I have begun on the path of recovery.  I have a big issue with using food and booze to deal and cope with my feelings and emotions and I am finally addressing it after all these years.  Well I hope I continue to address my issues in the new year and in hopes 2014 I will be much happier with myself both mentally and physically. 
My goal was to go 100 days without any booze.  I have attempted to do this once before and failed after 15 days.  I am not sure what clicked this time and I really don't think that matters,  I am just proud of myself for how far I have come.   
My journey will not be over at 100 days and I believe it will just be beginning of a "new life" as I turn 40 this summer.  
I am looking forward to a new year, a new outlook and new beginnings. 
Thanks for reading! 
Momma Bee

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Where did this month go?

Ummm, hello?  We are half way thru December and Christmas is in less than a week.  I remember saying to myself, wow November flew by.  I looked at the calendar yesterday and thought, I have been sober for 8 weekends in a row?  When I tried the 100 day challenge the past I made it 2 weeks and had to start over.  So many times I would say, I will only drink on weekends, or special events, or every other day and some times I would do it but not before long I would be back to drinking 5,6 or 7 days per week.  So one morning when I was wide awake at 3:30 I finally just had enough of the bullshit. and I vowed to quit for 100 days.  I told myself I wouldn't die or miss out on anything if I quit for 100 days.  Guess what, I am on Day 58 and I am ok.  I have been moody, irritable, restless, and bored at times but the moments pass.  However, I was like too when I was drinking.  I have watched friends drink a glass or two and even watched friends get drunk.  I have had a few moments where I wish I was drinking too but not once have I had a moment when I woke up and said, I wish I was hung over.  I don't miss the hangovers.  I don't miss eating shitty greasy food in hopes it makes me feel better.  I don't miss trying to hide my drinking or how much I already had.   I don't miss trying not to slur when I speak.  I don't miss the unknown of I did that or I said that? 

Looking back the past 58 days were not really that hard... yup there were some sucky moments but the time is flying by and I am ok with it. 

I am looking forward to Christmas and the New Year.  There will be no New Years resolution this year because I already started mine.  Every year I make a promise to drink less, exercise more and be healthier.  The hardest one I am already doing, drink less.  The rest will fall into place as more days go by.

I am actually proud of myself and I don't remember the last time I said that. 

Thanks for your support.

Momma Bee


Wednesday, December 11, 2013

50 Days

I just looked at my app and saw 50 Days! I have been sober for 50 Days! 


I'm half way to 100 Days! 


It hasn't been easy but then it hasn't been super hard. One day at a time truly is the right way to focus and at times it was one hour at a time.

I never believed in myself I could get this far and I did. So that is the push I need to get thru the next 50 days, one day at a time.

If you haven't joined this journey yet but believe you need to cut back or quit drinking, check out Belle's 100 Day Challenge and commit to just 100 days. It took my third attempt to make real progress and I'm glad I kept trying.


Thanks to all my friends in the sober blogging world! Your support has been amazing!


Momma Bee

PS Fifty Days!!!!!!

Friday, December 6, 2013


I woke up touchy, moody and a with a little headache..... Honestly the headache could be from this stupid weather or the 600 calories in cookies I had last night.  The weather where I am has been 60 F. Ummm, it should be in the 30s and it will drop down again on Sunday. I'm not complaining but it is muggy and feels like a pressure headache.....


It's my mind maybe stressing about tonight? I feel positive but my brain maybe isn't? Tonight is a big ladies night out to a concert in the City.  This has been planned since March.  I'm the party hostess.   I'm happy that it is Friday and most ladies work today so we can't do dinner or have much time to pre-game before the concert.  Everyone is meeting at my house an hour or so before the limo comes.  Its BYO so I don't have to provide booze and I hope none is left here.  If I find open wine left here it will be poured out.  Even after 44 days shit could temp me. We will mingle, nosh on some appetizers and I will have my sparkling water.  Most of the ladies know I'm on a no drinking kick and few think I'm nuts~ lol.  I will be fine at the venue and the limo is bringing us straight home...... Unless peeps want to stop but that will cost extra and this time of year these mommies are on budget, thank god! Plus, I normally would of been the one to say, let's stop for some shots! Tonight I'm the hostess and head bitch in charge so I need to be responsible and sober! However, in my drinking past it's when we get home safe & sound and before I head to bed I would knock a few glasses back..... Hence why no booze will be allowed to stay behind. I feel really strong that I can say no.  I know I can't drink today or even tomorrow because I pledged 100 days to be sober and I'm halfway there.  (Don't worry the plan is to keep going after 100 but we don't tell Wolfie that yet). 

So I will try to be productive at work today. My concentration has been horrible for a long time now.  Prior to quiting and after. Now I read tons of sober blogs, Facebook, Twitter, OMG etc.... I need to stay off the internet and get stuff done today. It will be a fun tonight and I could use a ladies night out.  This weekend plans is to clean and decorate for Christmas. Hopefully gym trips both days since I haven't gone since Monday and I'm eating enough carbs this week to hibernate all winter long.....

Hope you have a great sober day too!

Momma Bee

Thursday, December 5, 2013


Something really weird happened to me this morning.  I was sitting and reading the book, by Mr. Sponsor Pants, called  Adventures in Sobriety.  Out of no where a memory flooded my mind.  I pictured my son around 1 1/2 in a whirlpool tub with my x-husband with bubbles up to their neck.  It was a real memory of a vacation when it was just the 3 of us (before my other child was born).  I actually have a photo of this moment.  I have no idea why this memory popped into my head and I was flooded with sadness.  Fast forward 12 years, I am divorced and my son and his father have an estranged relationship at the moment.  I was sad because there will be no more family moments like that.  I have been divorced for over 6 years.  I thought to myself, here is a feeling of sadness and there is nothing to do but embrace the moment.  I went in my bedroom and just sat quietly for a few moments and it passed.

I have no idea where I am really going with this but since I am sober now (44 days) I am starting to notice my emotions more.  If this happened months ago, I would not have poured a glass of wine at 8 am to rid the memory but I would have dismissed it and thought a negative thought about my X husband.  Today, I just thought about the memory, shed a tear for a moment and just went about my morning routine.  I felt the sadness and let it go.  Shortly following I was smiling and singing a favorite song. 

Being sober I no longer have wine to make me feel better when I am sad.  I won't be able to ignore my feelings and stuff them back inside.  I never realized I did this but I am assuming that there is something, I am not sure what that something is (and not sure I want to know) that instead of feeling or dealing with my emotions, I used food and or booze to comfort myself.  I believe this goes back to my early teen years. 

I believe there is something inside my mind that I need to address.  I am finally seeing that I have a unhealthy relationship with food, booze and myself. 

Momma Bee

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Is it time for AA?

Today is 43 days since my last hangover, gulp of wine, and purchase of any booze......

I have been reading many sober blogs, I joined a private yahoo group online, listened to sober podcasts, started using the words "my sobriety", and just recently researching AA meeting locations online.....

I have said AA meetings are not for me.  I think the reason I say that is I am scared or afraid to admit to the world and especially myself, I have an alcohol problem.  I am alcoholic.  I don't like the word "alcoholic".  I don't like labels.  I don't like negative words like, fat, ugly, or mean.  If someone called me those words or thought that about me I would be upset, hurt and sad.  Maybe if people think (or know?) I am an alcoholic, I would be hurt, upset and disappointed in myself.  However when I listen to other women in the sober community accept and embrace the word alcoholism it seems the only way to move forward.  In my heart I know that I have a problem with alcohol.  I have tried moderation and it eventually leads back to binges of a bottle of wine or more a day with a day break here and there.  I believe I need to accept I am powerless of alcohol.  I never just want one glass of wine and majority of the time I am going to bed drunk or passed out.  Doesn't that mean I am powerless over alcohol?  Shouldn't the best thing for my health, my future and my children is to give up booze forever?  Just accept "forever" and move to the next step?

I believe the only way for certain to know these answers and take the next step in my journey is to explore the route of face to face meetings.  I enjoy the sober blogging community and it has been very helpful for me so far but I believe the help doesn't stop there.  Isn't the next step either counseling or a 12 step meeting program? Why am I so afraid? Should I just wait a little more and see how I feel after a few more weeks? Should I just bite the bullet and attend a meeting?  We are taught you can't say something is not for you or you don't like it if you don't try it.

As a child I sat and stared at the plate of brussel sprouts for a very long time because my grandmother wouldn't let me get up without trying at least one.  I eventually did and said I hate them.  Now some 25 years later, I love brussel sprouts.  Grandmom probably shakes her head when she looks down from heaven and sees me eating a plate of them.  I wonder what she is thinking of me now as I type this??

Momma Bee

Friday, November 29, 2013

Black Friday~ Day 38

Wow, my first sober Thanksgiving.  Well I have many before I was 21 and after.... but I don't remember the last one the past 6-7 years.  I'm not sure how I feel about it looking back on yesterday.  I woke w/ a bad headache today and feel weirdly emotional today.  I have been on the go since the end of work on Wednesday cooking and cleaning for Thanksgiving.  I was busy all day yesterday and was asleep by 9 on the sofa last night.  I made a delicious meal and my whole family thoroughly enjoyed.  It was a nice day enjoyed by all.  Moments here and there during the day I thought about wine or thought, wouldn't it be nice to have glass right now.. and then the thoughts quickly went too.. who are you kidding, you wouldn't stop at one glass or even two.  I am just happy that the day went well and I did it w/o any alcohol in my system.  I think that I was so busy helped me forget about wine.  I am not so sure how I would of been if I was just a guest at yesterdays holiday dinner.

Those thoughts there my friends are why I am on this 100 Day Sober Journey which should go well and beyond the 100 days.  My only focus is to stay sober for another day, week and month.  I have been reading Mr. Sponsorpants: Adventures in Society and the 12 Steps for AA as suggested by a great blogger, Christy at http://runningonsober.com/.   Thou I am only a few chapters in, I am relating to so much of it already.  Check it out on Kindle, its a steal for $ 3.99.  I am trying to keep up on the many sober blogs I follow and there are so many different posts I can relate to from my past experiences with alcohol to my current experiences sans alcohol.  I have a few sober pen pals and this really does help me and I hope I too have been some help to them.  Just having someone to communicate to who understands and won't judge me helps me tremendously and also the  anonymity helps me feel safe to truly be free and truthful about my dependency on alcohol. 

Did I just type that, my dependency on alcohol. I guess the sooner I really accept that statement, the sooner my real journey will truly begin.

Thanks for reading~

Momma Bee

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Fuck You

Fuck You Wolfie!!! I hear you and I'm not
Listening, I'm listening to Happy Christmas music! I don't care it's happy hour, it's the holidays, everyone else is having fun....

I'm busy I need to hit the store for more turkey fixings after work....

Go to hell I said.... I'm not listening!

Im on Day 35!

Momma Bee

Monday, November 25, 2013

Happy Monday~ Day 34

I am here, alive and doing well.....

Just a short post, I am swamped today and I usually blog at work b/c I am on a computer.  Typing at home on an iPad isn't as easy. 

Monday nights are always swamped for me, lots of kids activities after work.  I wanted to hit the gym after work tonight too but not sure I can swing it.  I still have to pick up my turkey tonight.  I am cooking for 10 on Thanksgiving (I really like to cook so I don't mind) but I also work Wednesday and Friday, so free time is limited this week.

Woo Hoo, today is sober day number 34.  Funny I had to count it out forgot what number day it was.  I had a nice weekend, stayed in really.  Did take the kids to see Catching Fire Saturday (great movie btw) a great morning work out and cleaning all afternoon.  Sunday was lazy day, I napped a good bit  besides cooking, reading and grocery shopping.

A friend emailed me today and asked today if I am going to NOT drink over the holidays.... I said yup, I made a pledged to myself for many reasons to quit for 100 days.  I think I heard her jaw hit the desk from the other side of the City.  (ha ha)  She asked if I missed it and was I doing ok w/ my decision?  I said, honestly, I am ok with it and I feel great about it.

I really do believe that.  I told Belle I am on a Pink Cloud today~ I haven't felt this determined about anything is a long time.......

Don't worry, I am keeping an eye out for Mr. Fucker~ aka Wolfie!

Hope all is well in your sober world!

Momma Bee

Thursday, November 21, 2013

My Treat

My 30 Day Sober Massage was fabulous!!! I feel so relaxed that I don't want to go home!  I even booked another one in 3 1/2 weeks!!!

I just stopped in Whole Foods and picked up some special sodas and mineral waters for the holiday next week.

Good Night!
Momma Bee 

Holy Shit 30 Days~


Wow, 30 days~ I made it!
What have I learned about myself?  How hard was it? How do I feel? What did I accomplish?
I guess I should think bout my first 30 days and reflect. 
Looking back, 30 days went really fast!
I am very proud of myself.
I have no problem rewarding myself with treats!
It feels great to exercise again.
I sleep 7+ hours a night and I love it!
I am calmer in the mornings with my children. (maybe not so much the first week, lol)
I'm looking at myself in the mirror more.
I'm wearing lipstick again.
I feel better emotionally & mentally.
My face looks better, glowing, younger.
I'm taking more pride in my appearance.
I haven't taken Ibuprofen in 30 days.
My house is cleaner than last month.
I'm reading more.
I'm still addicted to FB and now sober blogs.
Wolfie hasn't challenged me yet.
What do I anticipate the next 30 days?
I anticipate Wolfie will try to fuck with me!
Events on my calendar will be challenging.
Feeling stronger in my workouts.
I will eat more to compensate at events.
More people will ask when will I drink again. 
(Today I was asked am I drinking on Thanksgiving or the concert next month?)
My moods will still swing when my BF drinks.
The more days I am sober the better I will feel about myself.
I am ready to take on the next 30 days.  I will keep my tool box at my side and continue on this fabulous journey. 
Thanks to all of you in the sober blogging community and especially Belle for never giving up on me!
Momma Bee 

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Tomorrow is a Big Day~

Tomorrow is Day 30 for me on my sober journey~ I am very proud.  It has been a long time since I did something healthy for myself and stuck to it.  My journey is long from over and just the beginning of my new healthy lifestyle. 

I just got off the phone from booking a massage for tomorrow after work.  I have had plenty of massages before but this one is really special~ I worked really hard to get here and it is only the beginning. 

While I am there tomorrow, I think I will book one for December 21, my next big goal of 60 Days!

What's the matter Wolfie, you don't like the smell of Lavender Oil?  Fuck you, I do!

Momma B.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Day 28

WOW, I am almost at 30 days.  When I woke this morning the first thing that came into my head was, DAY 28.

I'm proud, I'm happy and a lil scared.  My next goal was 30 days.  I never done this in recent years.  I want it to roll over and easily move onto 60 days.  I know anything worth it won't come easy!

I had a great workout at the gym this morning at 6am.  I made my BF hide the scale around Nov 3rd.  I don't want to have anything get in my way of sobriety.  I don't want to get on the scale, see no changes and think, I'm not drinking wine anymore, I should of lost 10 lbs by now.  I was going to WI the 1st of every month going forward.  I may just skip December and wait till the New Year.  Wolfie is a Fucker and would tell me, "Hey Fatty, your not losing weight so you should just start drinking wine again!"   

My only focus is staying sober and work out as often as I can.  Hitting the gym will help me relieve stress and make me go to bed at a decent hour.  I have been getting 7+ hours a sleep and loving it.  Nothing happens over night but when I feel better physically and mentally and see any positive changes in my skin, face, color, or less bloating it will only encourage me to continue my sober journey. 

I'm hoping to get a massage as a treat for 30 days~ and some type of yummy foot treat!  I have no problem treating myself on my sober journey! ;-)

Keeping my arms stretched out, nothing will get into my sober zone!

Momma B.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Day 27~ Happy Monday!

Well it was a nice sober weekend.  Friday night I attended Bunco w/ friends and had no problem passing on the wine.  I brought my own beverage and didn't feel left out when everyone was drinking wine.  It was talked about why I wasn't drinking and I just said, I'm not right now.  I was on meds a few weeks ago and decided to continue with not drinking.  I gained a lot of weight this past year, nothing fits and I need to cut out the booze and get to the gym.  Some said they were so impressed with my new motivation.

I was at the gym early Saturday and Sunday mornings.  Cleaned most of the house, ran some errands and attended a family party on Saturday.  It felt so good not to be hung over and get things accomplished.  I didn't feel I missed out on anything and not drinking didn't bother me at all.  Funny, 3 different people texted me and asked if I was out or going out drinking.  I turned down 3 opportunities and it made me feel good.

My BF was away hunting this weekend.  In the past his drinking has been my trigger.  I think many of my attempts in the past to quit drinking failed b/c he was drinking.  (or was I using that as an excuse?)   How can I be sober when he drinks?  We met in a bar shortly after I was separated from my husband.  Our social circle is around drinking.  To be honest, we don't have an "hobby" together.  We like to watch tv or movies and cook at home together.  I think maybe.....  I'm afraid inside I may not be attracted to him?  I do love him very much and he treats my children like they are his own.  But in the past when I stopped drinking for a period and even now I noticed when he is drinking, I am so turned off.  Sometimes I am so bitter when I see or know he is drinking.  I can feel it turn my mood into disgust.  I don't even want to be around him.  Why is that?  Will it always be this way?  Is it Wolfie's way to try and pull me back to drinking?  Was alcohol clouding my true feelings for him?  The last month or two he has cut back on his drinking and since I haven't been drinking, things have been great.  I wouldn't change a thing but when he is drinking, I just don't want to be around him.  I feel like he picks at lil things and is annoying and not funny. I find myself rolling my eyes and the thought of having sober sex with someone not sober is so unappealing.

I'm hoping this is just a phase.  Like Belle ( http://tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.wordpress.com)  has said, don't tackle anything new during the early phase of sobriety, like diet, relationships, etc.  Just focus on staying sober.  That is my focus, stay sober.  I took an oath I would not drink anything for 100 days.  I owe that to myself.  I am over 1/4 a way there to 100 days.  I feel really good and good about myself, which I haven't felt in a really long time.

Happy Sober Monday Friends~

Momma B.


Friday, November 15, 2013

I'm Fun Sober~

Day 24- TGIF
I am heading out tonight to hang with the bitches and play BUNCO. 
What is BUNCO you ask?
bunco table cards - Google Search
Basically, a night out w/ the ladies to drink & gossip.  Oh the stories you hear after a few glasses.
Not me, I'm on Day 24.
Wonder how long before I am asked, Why aren't you drinking?
Because I am not~ and guess what?
Sober 24/7, act like the weirdest of weirdos.
Have a great night sober friends!
Momma B.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

I am going to make an effort to post daily..... even if it is short and just checking in.

Day 23

Last night I had dinner out with 8 girlfriends.  Fun dinner and some of us even had our cards read by the Psychic @ the Restaurant.  The Psychic was why we planned a girls night out.  No, I did not (out of fear) ask the psychic about drinking or addictions but I did wonder if she would mention it.  I did ask about my health and my cards read I would have a healthy life.  I left it at that ;-)  (She was dead on some things for me and some of the other ladies too, very spooky!)

Anyway......So, I was the only one not drinking.  Momma B always drinks.  The wine was even on special for 1/2 off a bottle! One friend in the group already knew I have decided not drink for a while.  Of course it was brought up twice.  Really, she didn't have any wine was asked when we were ordering dessert.  Why aren't you drinking?  I assured them I was fine, not pregnant and not dying of any diseases and I was just having seltzer tonight.  Everyone else was drinking wine and I was the only one ordering coffee.  I haven't done that in years, wine goes with dessert~ lol  I just didn't want the issue pressed anymore and it was dropped.  The big reason I wanted it dropped is that 3 of the ladies in this group, along w/ our spouses and significant others are vacationing in February at an all inclusive tropical resort with no children in tow.  There are 5 couples going this year.  Last year my bf and I went also.  Everyone drinks.  Good Lord we didn't even have all our luggage at the airport and we were ordering drinks. I drank and ate my face off last year.  So bad I think when I came home I was still had liquor in my blood for days.  When I step on that plane in February, I will be on day 102 of my challenge.....  Yes I already counted it out.  I am trying NOT to think about my upcoming trip.  Will I drink at 100 days?  Will I drink just for the vacation and go sober again when I come home?  Can I survive this vacation sober when everyone else starts drinking before noon?  Its FREE, an all inclusive resort, how can I not drink??

I'm trying to NOT think that far ahead.  Don't drink today, don't drink this weekend.  My first goal was making it thru the first weekend.  Then to 21 days (my longest streak) and now my goal is 30 days.  I want to, I need to make it to 100 days.  Don't get me wrong my goal is 100 days and beyond.  I have taken the oath that I will not pick up that first drink.  I will cry, yell, scream, walk, sleep, run, read, hide and do anything I can to keep Wolfie at arms length and out of my sober zone. 

I hope when I hit 75+ days of not drinking it won't even be an thought or an option in my brain to stop my sober car from rolling along this nice scenic route!

So much for a short note to just check in~

Momma B.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Day 22~

I made it.  I made it past my longest streak from when ever I started keeping track.... (last 2-3 years??)  I am doing pretty good.  Survived a few outings this weekend where others were drinking.  The restaurant we were at even had mocktails on the drink menu, how cool was that?  I ordered Ginger Beer.  Yummy.... basically, ginger, soda water and simple syrup.  I need to experiment at home.  $ 5.00, same price as a cocktail.  I only had one!

At the restaurant Sunday, I looked around and saw a lady drinking wine, it didn't phase me.  I noticed a guy drinking and he was kind of loud~ I thought to myself, he is a little tipsy. My group of 5, only 1 was drinking and she only had one.

Friday night I was out w/ some close friends, there was just 5 of us.  They asked me why I wasn't drinking.... I confessed drinking for me is a vicious cycle.  I drink too many calories, skip workouts, I'm moody and depressed and I gained 25 pounds the last year.  The main problem with all of that I find is the booze.  Eliminate the booze and I will be better off.  I can then get up early and exercise, less calories and if I eliminate the depressant than maybe I will feel better about myself.  I didn't have to come clean on some of my other reasons but it felt good it was out there in the open.  They were proud of my streak (at the time was 17 days).  The next day one friend texted me that I was an inspiration and she decided to give up the booze too.  That she just needed to find another way to cope.  Sound familiar?  In my area, age group, circle of friends everyone drinks.  I can really say only one friend isn't a drinker.  She will at times but not often.  She is a close friend so that will help not feel alone when we are out socially. 

I keep hearing in the blogging world, Sober is the New Black. 

Just maybe it is.....

Momma B.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

My Big Dream....

Today is day 16 without a drink...... Been a while since I posted.  My weekend was very busy and I really didn't have time to blog.  However, I wanted to share something that woke me Saturday morning......

I had my first real dream in a long time. I never dream and if I do I don't remember it or only bits and pieces later in the day when something would trigger my memory.   I woke remembering my dream.  Short version, it was about me holding a snake that my x husband was holding and it jumped on me.  Trying to remove him, he bitten down on my thumb and another finger.  I got him off and there was no bite marks.  I felt him bite me.  He was poisonous.  I called 911 anyway.  I was fine.  Then I woke up.  Right away I googled dreams, bitten by snake.... I was amazed 2 websites said the same thing.

It would depend on the association you had with the dream. Did you struggle with the snake or did it wither and die after it bit you? Gillian Holloway, Ph.D. identifies being bitten by a snake as meaning different things. She says, "In many dreams a single snake will come to bite you, and you may in fact be bitten after a brief struggle. To your amazement though, you will not die, and may find that the situation is not as bad as you thought." According to Holloway you have this kind of dream if you are struggling with some problem, relationship or challenge. "Such a snake-ordeal is an important signal that you are going through a kind of initiation; a psychological and spiritual trial that has the potential to change your life for the better if you deal with it bravely and with a clear heart. You may have to give up something you thought you couldn't, or take a stand for your principles or faith."

Generally, a snake featured in a dream means that you’re dealing with a difficult situation or unsettling emotions in your waking life. On the positive side of this dream analysis, dreaming of snakes could also mean that healing and transformation are taking place.
A snake can appear in your dreams as an animal spirit guide or animal totem, bringing guidance about life direction and healing opportunities.
WOW.  Challenge. Psychological and Spiritual trial. Change my life for the better. Give up sometng you thought you couldn't. Difficult situation in waking life. Healing and transformation is taking place. WOW.
Ok, so it can be a fluke and mean nothing, but I took it as something.  I remembered my dream.  I was on Day 11 of no booze.  I believe the "spirit" or something was letting me know I am struggling with "something aka alcohol" but it will be ok.  I will make it.  Have faith my life is changing for the better.
So I made it thru the weekend.  I went to a ladies social at a friends house and brought my own mineral water.  The host asked later when no one was around, why I wasn't drinking?  Momma here always drinks at socials or events.   I didn't want to deal with it so I said, I'm on penicillin and the last time I did I had issues.  That is all.  In 2 weeks thou I will be back at her house for another event. I'll be ready again to say, nope taking a little break or gotta work out early tomorrow.  Her sibling struggles with alocohol and I think has been sober well over a year.  I love my friend but she is quite the gossiper, so she wouldn't be one I would share my journey with just yet.
So it is now Thursday and I am onto Day 16.  Halfway till 30. Almost past my streak of 21 days.  (whenever I counted my streaks in the past 3-4 years, 21 days was my longest).  I'm using my sober tool box.  I did Belles Sober Jumpstart last week.  More info here.... http://tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.wordpress.com 
I'm listening to her podcasts, blogging, and reading sober blogs.  Im exercising again and trying to eat better but I'm still having sweet treats.  Not drinking and exercising again is my only focus this month.  I'm not taking too much on, I want to succeed.    So as they say,  I'm "working" the program. It's my program and no on else's. 
I'm pretty damn happy with myself so far. I'm keeping my eye on Wolfie.  He is on his way out but I'm watching him closely. I know he can pop up at any time! He did a bit last night but I wouldn't let him in. 
Momma Bee

Friday, November 1, 2013



November 1st.... many friends on Facebook started "30 Days of Being Thankful". Each day they will post what they are Thankful for.  I joined in.  Day 1,  I am thankful for my healthy family.

Here on my Blog, "30 Days of Being Thankful". 

Day 1, I'm thankful I'm sober.  Yes it is only 10 days today, but I am Thankful I have 10 days under my belt going into the weekend.  TGIF usually means, Happy Hour somewhere.  Bar, home, friends, but somewhere including a nice cocktail.  My sober car is riding along the highway and I don't seem to see any accidents or road closures up ahead.  If something comes up, I am prepared.  I have my teas, mocktails (Mineral water and fixings) and plenty of Chocolate.  I have my jumpstart personal call with Belle Saturday morning.  I have a date at the gym Saturday morning.  I have plans to make a big batch of soup Saturday afternoon and today after work I am shopping for my supplies.  Sunday afternoon I have a gathering with my girlfriends and there will be plenty of wine.  I will bring my fancy mineral water.  Its ok to bring wine to events so why not my own non alcoholic beverage?  I am sure some heads will take a double take but I don't care.  Seriously, I don't care. If anyone asks, I am cutting back.  No biggie. 

If I have time this weekend, I would like to treat myself to a pedicure and manicure.  I "deserve" it after a long week.  Before I would say I "deserve" a glass of wine which would be more than a glass.  So now I "deserve" something better.  Something healthier. Sobriety!

Happy Weekend to all~

Momma B.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Day 7~ Treated Myself

Today I treated myself something special at the Farmers Market.  Just like my sober pen pal suggested.  A bouquet of flowers.  Almost the price of a bottle of wine.  I am so happy where I am today. I feel like the grip is loosening, a tiny bit.  I have been here before but I feel stronger this time.  The longest stretch of sober days (in the last 4 years) was 21 days about 2 years ago.  When I was trying to travel down this same road.  This time I have my sober community for support (always looking for more sober pen pals), tools and the memories that I want to forget but can't because if I do I will think that I wasn't that bad. 
So as I finish my first week I am excited to start the next.  Each day I am one step further away from Wolfie (the bad guy inside my head) and one step closer to the person I am suppose to be.  Happy with myself, loving myself and proud of myself.
Each day, one step closer. 
I will not pick up that first glass.
Happy Tuesday!

Monday, October 28, 2013

Happy Sober Monday

Today starts Day 6.... I'm sleeping so much it's wonderful.  The last night I drank which was last Tuesday I was up 3 am and couldn't go back to sleep.  I would wake up so much at night when I was drinking.  Now if I wake, I roll over and go right back to sleep.  I think my body is starting to heal itself and I am so glad.  I still haven't gone back to the gym.  I woke at 4:45 am today and turned off my 5 am alarm.  Next I thing I know it is 6:45 and I realize the whole house is still asleep..... So one kid misses the bus but I didn't care.  No momma freak outs this morning.  Actually things were nice and calm and dinner is already prepped in the crock pot.  I will see if I can squeeze a quick trip to the gym after work before I come home.  

No big plans this week except work and kid activities.  Nothing on tap this weekend either.  I'm bagging the 10K race I am signed up for.  I haven't trained and I haven't been doing any cardio either.  I will be trained for my next 10K in February 2014. I don't even like running. I'm not a fast runner, I actually do a run/walk method but when the race is over I'm so happy I did it even if at a snails pace. 

So I am trucking along this 100 day challenge and I couldn't be happier.  I know this road isn't going to be easy but I finally feel I am ready to take this on and not just a few days either.


Momma B

Sunday, October 27, 2013


Day 5.....

My son had a bad time at his dance last night, he called and asked for me to get him early.  Glad , I wasn't drinking so I could be there and talk to him about what happened.

Today, I slept till 9 and it's 2pm and  I am still in my robe. I'm tired, cranky, moody and I don't know why.  Took a few cat naps, guess it's just catching up with me.  I read before somewhere, detoxing sometimes has flu like symptoms.  Yup, that's how I feel. Tired, cranky, moody, headache and blah.  I feel dehydrated too.  I've been drinking lots of mineral water and tea.  Maybe the Chinese take out last night had too much MSG or something.

I'm forcing myself to shower and take my son for a haircut.  I cleaned half the house yesterday and really need to do the upstairs when I get back.  Hopefully a shower and some fresh air will help.

This Sunday feels like a hang over Sunday but it's not....... I'm thankful for that.


Friday, October 25, 2013

Light Bulb Moment

Last night after falling asleep on the sofa twice, I finally carried my lazy ass up to bed around 10:15.  As I snuggled under the covers listening to my BF snore away (wishing he was still sleeping on the sofa, huge snorer) I was thinking.... Day 2 done. Weekend coming, be strong.  Then I thought, my thoughts are consumed on not drinking, don't focus too hard about days ahead, take one day at a time.

Wow the light bulb went off...... Ugggh, I don't want to think about drinking. I'm "Tired of Thinking About Drinking".  Belle, my favorite sober blogger has picked the best title of her blog.


Belle founded a 100 Day No Drinking challenge.  Each month her group grows. Some are now working on an 180 day challenge. I'm taking the challenge, again. I'm motivated by the others in their various stages of sobriety. I'm comforted that I am not alone with my personal struggle. I'm encouraged that over time it will get easier, especially with the mind game.

So as I read other blogs I nod my head yes that's true. I file away what I need to use in my own journey and some are:

Cravings last about 10 mins.

The first drink is the enemy, not the 4th one.

Avoid temptation the first few days and weeks, even if you have to hide under the covers in your locked bedroom.

The more days away from alcohol the better you will feel.

Your not alone and your not a loser or failure.

So onto Day 3 and the weekend.  I've survived weekends before. Maybe I will drag my lazy butt to the gym this weekend.   You never regret a workout when it's over.

Happy Weekend to all.


Thursday, October 24, 2013

Day 2 of 100 Day Challenge

I don't want to count days b/c it looks like a long road~

Catching up on a few of my favorite Sobriety Blogs~

Slept 8 hours straight last night & it felt awesome~

Bought a few herbal teas today~

Hope to hit the gym early tomorrow morning~

Hoping to find a sober pen pal~

Time for lunch~


Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Starting Over~ 100 Day Challenge

Today I was wide awake @ 3 am thinking about me.  After drinking 2 bottles of wine last night in hiding of course and thinking about how many bottles I have drank in just the last week alone, I know its time again to take the 100 day challenge.  I have been "questioning" my drinking for almost 2 years now and have a few rounds of 5, 10, 15 and 20 days in a row without drinking followed by another round of several days of drinking in a row. I have gained 30 lbs the last 2 years, my BP has risen and lord knows what else I am doing to my insides. 

I have been following various bloggers for a while now and signed up twice in the last year for Belle's 100 Day Challenge and never making it past 30 days.  I read about how happy and proud the many participants are when they reach 100 days, not easy but so worth it.  I need to do this.  That needs to be me in 100 days.  Actually in 100 days or so I am going on a week vacation out of the country at an all inclusive hotel with unlimited amounts of alcohol and food.  I can't think that far ahead. 

Right now, I can only think of how to get thru this evening.  I took the pledge to not drink for 100 days. 

Today is Day 1. 

Momma Bee

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Time to Dump Wolfie

Today is Sunday, almost thru the whole weekend.  I've been reading and subscribing to a few blogs, mostly ladies doing the 100 day challenge.  No liquor of any kind for 100 days in a row.  That's the ultimate goal and I'm taking it one day at a time.  Trying to reflect daily on how alcohol isn't adding anything positive to my life.  There is some in my house right now,  beer, tea coolers and some vodka.  No wine.  Wine was my first and favorite drink of choice.  I can drink a glass like it like its water.  Funny,  I'm not sure I really like wine. The first glass always taste the worst, lol.

No one knows that I'm doing the challenge.  I've taken my clean eating serious at times and it was an easy excuse to use why I wasn't drinking. Right now my focus is to drink no alcohol and get back into my old healthy routine.  Wake up at 5 am to work out before the kids head to school and I go to work.    I like waking up with no hangovers & not feeling like crap.  Each day I am a step closer to riding toxins from my body, clearer thoughts, restful sleep and feeling better about myself and my choices.

I'm not thinking days ahead, just a day at a time.  This Wedneaday I have a challenge, I'm taking a half day to see a baseball game with a friend who is a big beer drinker.  I'm going to say I will be DD.  I'll make up an excuse I have stomach issues.  I wish I didn't say I would go a few weeks back.  I can't bag on her since its just the 2 of us.  So I will just suck it up and be strong!

Why won't I tell people I am doing a challenge of no alcohol for 100 days? Because I'm not confident enough in myself and don't want to look like a failure. That's why.  When I make it to 30 days, I will share with everyone else.  I want to reach that goal first and then make my "announcement."

Reading blogs and hearing how other ladies have gone to weddings, graduations,parties, social gatherings and made it just fine with out alcohol.  Another blog I read today compared alcohol to an abusive relationship.  If someone hurts your friend time and time again, wouldn't you tell the friend it's time to dump the relationship that is harming her. So if alcohol is harming me, shouldn't I dump him? Yup, that sounds like a good idea.  That's my plan, to dump this harmful relationship (aka Wolfie) and see how great my life can be with out him!!!

Onto Day 7.

Good Night.

Momma Bee

Friday, May 31, 2013

Onto Day 4

I don't even know what to write..... I'm an emotional mess this morning. My plans for the weekend to find some me time to relax and help me stay away from any triggers or stressors to make me say, Fuck it, I deserve some wine, is backfiring. I know only I can control what I put in my glass but the problem is I don't trust me yet. I really want this. I want a few days to turn into a few weeks so I can look at myself in the mirror again and not cringe. I'm out of shape, pale, and a swollen mess. My goal was to spend some relaxation time at the beach, read a trashy novel and get some sun this weekend. Sun, Vitamin D helps my mood and a little color on my body helps me mentally. However kids (mainly one) isn't following my plan. So of course the emotional fragile state I am in I blow up. Mom this is what you do you freak out.  Yes, b/c no one asks me what I want! Everyone around here does what they want and I work around your plans and schedules. No one knows How bad I am.  I want to get out of this depressed state and stop this madness before its too late and something bad happens. 

So I will take it hour by hour and get thru today. I'll try to snap out of this pity party and stay strong. The bad moments will pass and I think thru it. 

I can do this. I deserve this. I am worth it. 

As a friend says, Fuck you Wolfie.

Momma Bee 

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Clear thoughts suck.....

It's only going on Day 2 and my stupid mind is thinking and feelings are coming to the surface. I don't like it. I want to go back to burying my head in the sand. Buzzed, drunk or hung over is so much easier. Bills, money problems, kids, an X husband and boyfriend issues are so much easier with wine, right? 

The thought of a drink entered my mind last night cleaning up dinner, my normal drinking time. I didn't do it. Cleaned up read, played on my iPad and fell asleep. I was exhausted. I'm looking forward to better sleep. I'm trying not to think too far ahead, like what's on tap this weekend.....

Woke up early and hit the gym this Morning. Regulars said, hey where you been? Taking night classes? I'm lucky if I've been going once a week the last few months.  I once was a regular morning 6am gal! Hopefully tomorrow morning I will be back at the gym for 2 days in a row!

Time to get to work!

Momma Bee

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Day 1

I decided to start blogging again.  I originally started this blog because inside my head I knew I needed to stop my drinking. I don't drink like a "normal drinker". I used a Whole 30 clean eating plan so friends/family knew why I wasn't drinking. No one knew the real main reason.

7 months later, I'm going to attempt again stringing a few days in a row to get stronger and feeling better in hopes the days turn to weeks and who knows maybe a month or so. I've done a few weeks before and it felt great to wake up feeling normal and clear minded.

Today is my sons 14th Bday, maybe it will be a new birthday for me too.

Momma Bee

Monday, January 7, 2013

Day 6 of Whole 30

My stomach is a mess today... I ate way too much dried un-sulfured fruit last night...

I had my first Whole 30 cheat, I licked a tiny bit of peanut butter off my finger last night making kids lunches.... I need to up my water intake too.  I am getting in my protein, fruits and veggies.

No wine (or any alcohol) in 8 days.  God this feels good.  I'm sleeping like a baby and wish I could sleep more.

I was very bitchy this weekend, well more short tempered.  I told the kids mommy is cranky please just do what I say.  They didnt listen, lol.  It's the constant bickering between the two that really sends me into a tizzy. I wasn't really emotional this past weekend, I bet that is coming.  BF is away until later tonight.  He is the one that seems to trigger my emotions when I am not eating sugar or drinking.  I haven't heard from him since he left Friday.... he texted me Saturday a "Good Morning" and I texted the same thing back... that was the last I heard.  I told him no need to call all weekend unless an emergency arises, he is away with his buddies.  He ticked me off Wednesday and Thursday night and I haven't even spent time with him since New Years Day.  I'm happy I had some alone time this weekend.  Our relationship has had so many ups and downs.... its getting kind of old... like my drinking.  Since he has been gone, I really had no urges to drink...

I've been reading many different blogs and one I have been following is making me question myself....

Why don't I just do it??? Tell the world, I'm not drinking for ___________ days or I'm not drinking anymore.  What is holding me back?  What am I afraid of?  Failure? Admitting that I don't have control when I start to drink? I know drinking is not healthy for me and it makes me more depressed.  I just recently watched a documentary, Fat, Sick & Nearly Dying.  I know alcohol, processed foods, and sugar is no good, especially for me.  I watched Biggest Loser last night and made my kids watch it with me.  (I have one athletic skinny kid and one video gamer over weight kid.)   I want them to learn how hard it is being overweight as a child and how teasing hurts.  I was that kid too growing up.  I ate for comfort.  To this day, I eat for comfort and maybe I drink for comfort too.  I know continuous healthy eating and exercise is the answer, I have done it before.  I was once over 300 lbs, now I fluctuate around 180. 

Do I need Jillian yelling in my face,  what's holding you back?  Stop being a baby and making excuses and just do it!

I think the answer lies inside of me and I need help or the courage to find it.  The first step is being honest with myself and seeking therapy... I've scratched that surface a few times in the last year and it got hard and real and I didn't want to deal with it.  I made up excuses (kids, money, time, work) and cancelled those appointments....

So after these 30 Days, I'm hoping the motivation or light bulb will click on and I will see the light....

Until then, I keep plugging away one day at a time.

Momma Bee

Friday, January 4, 2013

Day 3 of Whole 30

With friends I started another Whole 30 Day Challenge... basically eating clean, no sugar or processed items and of course, no alcohol. I haven't had any alcohol since Sunday actually.  I was in bed on New Years Eve by 11 pm.  It felt wonderful to wake up hangover free New Years Day.  I had plenty of wine over Christmas week.  I feel good going into the weekend, the kids and I have some fun things to do and I hope to take down the Xmas decorations.  BF is going away for a long weekend, so I won't be tempted to have some wine.  We bought a fake tree this year... I fought it, the BF brought it home and you know what, I love it!!  It looks perfect and there is no mess.  I'm not even in a hurry to take it down.  This weekend I will take down the knick knacks and maybe leave the tree up a little longer.  If people can put tress up a month before Christmas, I can keep mine up a little while longer after, right??

I haven't had any urges to drink at all but again its only been 4 days.  I'm feeling good this week b/c I have been eating right, exercising and last night I slept like a baby.  I haven't slept that good since my last 30 Day Challenge.  I know I will get moody soon from the sugar withdrawal.  I ate enough cookies last month, more than I the last 2 years I bet.  I gained 8 lbs since mid November... that weight needs to come off quick. 

I was doing so well last Fall, eating better, exercising and not drinking. I'm looking forward to that again. 

That's the plan this month.... focusing on my health!

Momma Bee