Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Moving to Word Press.....

I like the Word Press site better to follow other bloggers as well as write my own blog.

If you are following me thru blogger, thank you.  Please continue to follow me on word press, as that will be the only location going forward where I will post.  I have moved all my previous entries to word press because they are part of my sober journey.


Thank you for your support!

Momma Bee

Monday, April 7, 2014

Tonight is my first AA Meeting

My sober friend is taking me to my first AA meeting tonight... she is picking me a lil early so we can get coffee.  Its a Big Book meeting and it is co-ed.  That is all I know~ I checked online and I think its a few towns over, actually a meeting I saw online and thought, that could fit in my schedule.

Yesterday while eating breakfast alone with my boyfriend I finally brought it up.  He knows nothing of my sober blog, friends in the sober blogging world etc.  I was nervous and on the verge of tears.... I always get like this on "tough topics".  I said, "I have something to ask you?"  Then I was getting choked up, waited a few moments and he said, What?  I started to talk and you can hear my the quivering teared up voice.  He said, oh jeez, what is it now?  I ignored that comment~lol!.  I mumbled out, "Do you like me better as a non drinker?"  Honey, I like you any way you are.  "Well I like myself better and I feel better.  I don't feel guilt, shame etc."  He said, you seem happier, we get along better and we don't fight.  (Yup, all true!) "I reached out to an old friend and she asked me to go to an AA meeting with her and I think I will."  Does she have an issue with drinking?  "No, she has been sober for 9 years."  Do you feel you need it?  Do you have cravings?  "No, I don't have cravings anymore, I just think I am better off.  I'm a better mom now and it is not healthy for me and when I drink, I want more until it is all gone."  Well its good you don't have cravings.  "I don't want this to affect our relationship.  I don't want people to talk about me or say I am a loser." If anyone says anything bad about you or anything negative, I will punch them in the fucking face.  Conversation ended as my son walked into the door......

I think I was more scared to just talk about it out loud and in person with someone in my real life...... we have talked about my alcohol intake a few times the past 2 years.  It is no secret that I have hidden the amounts I drank, my drinking alone, getting shit faced and pretending I am not.  As well as all the other shit over drinkers do. He has always supported me when I cut back and when I did my 100 sober days this past winter.  (However he still drank and will continue to drink.) There is so much more I could of said and more in depth I could of went but I think that was enough for yesterday.  Drinking is an issue for me and in my opinion, as well for him.  He is a big drinker and can drink beer like no other.  However, this is not about him, its about me.  He doesn't really drink at home, thank God but he still drinks.  As long as I worry about myself and not his drinking, things will be fine.  I can only focus on me.  If he is happy with his drinking habits, than so be it.

I am not happy with mine.

Wish me luck tonight~

Momma Bee
Day 20

Friday, April 4, 2014

I reached out~

I ran into an old friend yesterday and we had a nice conversation.  After we parted I thought to myself, that was a sign that I ran into "Sally."  "Sally" I thought was in recovery but I wasn't positive.  So later in the day I sent her a FB message and asked her, do you happen to go to AA??  I was a nervous wreck all day waiting for her response.  Maybe she doesn't go to AA or maybe she feel I violated her privacy.  Later last night she responded and it was wonderful.  She is in recovery and has been for the past several years.  She is passionate about her recovery and offered her cell and any assistance about meetings or any other info she could offer.  I responded to her that it is me looking for some local AA meetings.  We have exchanged a few messages already today and I feel so much better.  I was petrified to reach out for some real life support. Back in January, I went to a meeting and couldn't walk inside.  I sat in the parking lot next door watching a few men go in and I just couldn't bring myself to go.  I am not sure if AA is for me but I do know that my alcohol consumption the last few years was getting worse and it would only be a matter of time before something really bad might happen.  I don't know what my future holds but I do know I want to be in a better place mentally and physically.  I want to be better mom and be more present for my children.  My depression, anxiety as of late isn't helping me be the best mom, girlfriend, daughter, friend or employee that I can be.

Until recently, I didn't realize how many moms, normal ladies like myself were struggling with alcohol.  Our society has a negative stigma of people who struggle with alcoholism or any addiction.  There are so many men and women and probably a few in our own social circles that are struggling and too scared to raise their hand and say, I think I need help.  I know because I am or was one of them.

Please watch this clip from this weeks Today Show, it may help you or someone you know to understand they are not alone and maybe will raise their hand and ask for some help.  


Thanks for reading and your support.  It is because many of you I am finally on the road to recovery.

Momma Bee
Day 17

Monday, March 24, 2014

Checking in....

Just wanted to check in...... I promised myself I would be more active and accountable on my blog.

Today is Day 6 and I had a good sober weekend.  Friday night I just stayed in and that was fine by me.  Saturday evening I had plans to attend a big St. Patty's Day bash.  I offered to be the DD and it ended up just being my BF and I in our car.  I brought my own sparkling water and had no urges to drink even when just about everyone else was.  When I was getting dressed to go, I admit there was a little voice in my head (aka Wolfie) that said, don't you want a drink tonight?  I thought to myself, seriously it has only been 3 days, No F*$@ing way.   I guess that was my way to tell Wolfie to get lost.

I didn't feel left out at the party and I had a good time socializing with my friends  I slept in late and enjoyed our late family breakfast.  I got some big chores done around the house that I have been avoiding and I would not have done them if I was hung-over. 

My big plans this week is to get in some gym time and go to bed when I am tired, not fall asleep on the sofa.  Too many times when I wake up on the sofa, go upstairs, have a hard time falling asleep and then I shut off my early gym alarm.  It's another vicious cycle I need to break. 

Thanks for reading & your support~

Momma Bee


Thursday, March 20, 2014

a better day

I wanted to check in today~ I am feeling so much better. I had a few sober bloggers reach out with some kind and encouraging words and it really helped me.  I also had a session with my therapist last night and prior to our meeting I sent her a copy of what I wrote in my blog.  For the hour we didn't even talk about the food issues per se, it was more about me, the inner child, and the hurt I was feeling for myself.  It felt good to be honest with her.  I know my issues with alcohol and food are related.  I have no idea what I am avoiding or searching if anything at all.  I am pretty sure there is any personal drama I experienced as a child, I think I just don't know how to self care for me.  How to handle emotions and feelings and express them when I need too.  I am a people pleaser, I don't want to disappoint or hurt anyone.  I want to make people happy, surprise them with little gifts or do something thoughtful.  Now, I have to figure out how to do those lil things for the inner me.

How can I make things better for the inner me?  I am present today and promise to stay close to my sober community.  I dusted off my sober tool box and will take things slow. 

Binging on food or alcohol is not going to work.  My little Wolfie brain tries to trick me and think it will but it never does....

Well maybe a few special homemade cookies from a special friend helps but not a sleeve of processed Oreos......

Thanks for reading & your support!

Momma Bee

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Where do I go from here?

the guilt is rising inside me.... I don't want to think about it..... I want to pretend it is not happening.  I let myself slip back into my old ways.  I want to not think and live in a bubble where everything is perfect and not deal with my feelings, thoughts, emotions, I just want to be.


I felt great not drinking and working on me for those 100 days.  Now, 5 weeks after my vacation where I started drinking again I can see myself going back to that dark place. Today I feel depressed, guilt, anger, and hatred with myself.  In these past 5 weeks, I drank 6 times at social events but not at home.  That was ok right, because they were special events and I wasn't drinking at home or alone?  Each time was in excess and I was drunk at the end of the night.  However last night I drank at home, alone (per se) and I kind of hid it.  (meaning I didn't say, hey honey I'm having a bloody mary in my big red solo cup, care to join me?) I had two large Bloody Mary's and finished off the vodka.  That vodka has been in the house since October 23, when I vowed to quit for 100 days.  (See Belle's blog:)


I never touched that vodka or my honey's beer.  Never had the desire or thought too.  I drank at home quite often the last two years and most of the time alone while everyone else was asleep.  Many mornings I would wake with an obnoxious hangover.  I don't want that anymore.  I don't want to be that person again.....

During those 100 days, once I had a few weeks under my belt, the thought never crossed my mind to stop and pick up a bottle of wine after work.  I would go through my normal evening routine with no thought of drinking.  Yesterday was a different story when driving home.  I had to tell myself, don't stop, don't do it.  I reached out and texted a friend from my sober blogging world.  I texted her, I will not drink today.  I told myself, I will not drink tonight.  I used Belle's technique/thought process: just for today, just for tonight I will not drink.  I walked into my house and 10 minutes later while making dinner, I made my cocktail.


Why was I determined 10 minutes after I told my friend I wouldn't drink that I did?  Why, when I was driving home listening to the Bubble Hour podcast on high functioning alcoholics
did I have to turn it off?  I was relating as usual to the many things being discussed by the hosts, that I decided to stop listening and turn it off.  I turned it off because I knew in my head I didn't want to hear it.  I wanted a drink.  I wanted to zone out.  I wanted to relax.  I wanted something to make me not think.  I wanted to escape.

Why?  Why zone out, escape reality?  Why? 

What am I avoiding or searching for?

Today I sit here, not hung over but guilt ridden.  I didn't drink enough to get drunk.  That is not bothering me but its the fact I did it when I said I wouldn't.  I did it at home which has been my sober safe place.  I did it in hiding. 

Where do I go from here?

Momma Bee

Monday, February 17, 2014

Back to Reality~

I am back now over a week from my vacation to Costa Rica, which is Central America, not South America.  One of the many things I learned.  It truly is an amazing country and if you enjoy nature, you must go.  We hiked, zip-lined (cried I was so scared), saw beautiful water falls and even a poisonous snake to close for my comfort in the rain forest.  We saw white faced monkeys and a huge crocodiles on our River Boat tour.  We ate fresh mahi mahi that my friends caught deep sea fishing.  I had two massages, facial, pedicures and read two books on the gorgeous beach and by the pool.  I came back tan and relaxed.

I also drank after being sober 101 days.  I pledged to Belle to continue and go 180 days sober a few weeks prior to vacation.  I made the decision and I did drink daily.  Some days a little and some days a lot~ I had a huge bruise to show for it when I tripped down the steps.  HUGE, I should of taken a photo.  No one forced me and no influenced me, I myself made that decision.  I am sad I broke my streak.  I think when I heard the hotel manager say what happens in Costa Rica stays in Costa Rica , my wolfie brain took that into consideration.  Looking back I did what I believed I wanted and not having any responsibility or my children with me, I wasn't hurting anyone. 

I told myself when you step back into the states, no drinking.  So after being home 2 days and I was at a b-day celebration and I was offered wine, I said sure and drank 3 glasses.  When I saw the host fill my glass I didn't say no.  When I came home and thought about it the next day I knew I didn't want to go back to my old ways.  I knew from watching others in the sober blogging community it is so easy to get back into that trap.  I don't want that anymore.  I was in funk all last week and avoided coming online and checking in.  I started reading the Jason Vale book, Kick the Drink Easily and I agree with many of his beliefs and thinking.  Its a great read.  I read it most of the weekend.  I feel better now going into this week.  After have a sober weekend I feel more like my old self prior to vacation.  I didn't have any cravings and the thought didn't cross my mind to drink this weekend.

I have many mixed feelings and plan to discuss them with my therapist later this week.  I am going away for a long weekend with a few ladies for a friends birthday this weekend.  It will be another great trip and I can do it sober. 

Momma Bee