the guilt is rising inside me.... I don't want to think about it..... I want to pretend it is not happening. I let myself slip back into my old ways. I want to not think and live in a bubble where everything is perfect and not deal with my feelings, thoughts, emotions, I just want to be.
I felt great not drinking and working on me for those 100 days. Now, 5 weeks after my vacation where I started drinking again I can see myself going back to that dark place. Today I feel depressed, guilt, anger, and hatred with myself. In these past 5 weeks, I drank 6 times at social events but not at home. That was ok right, because they were special events and I wasn't drinking at home or alone? Each time was in excess and I was drunk at the end of the night. However last night I drank at home, alone (per se) and I kind of hid it. (meaning I didn't say, hey honey I'm having a bloody mary in my big red solo cup, care to join me?) I had two large Bloody Mary's and finished off the vodka. That vodka has been in the house since October 23, when I vowed to quit for 100 days. (See Belle's blog:)
I never touched that vodka or my honey's beer. Never had the desire or thought too. I drank at home quite often the last two years and most of the time alone while everyone else was asleep. Many mornings I would wake with an obnoxious hangover. I don't want that anymore. I don't want to be that person again.....
During those 100 days, once I had a few weeks under my belt, the thought never crossed my mind to stop and pick up a bottle of wine after work. I would go through my normal evening routine with no thought of drinking. Yesterday was a different story when driving home. I had to tell myself, don't stop, don't do it. I reached out and texted a friend from my sober blogging world. I texted her, I will not drink today. I told myself, I will not drink tonight. I used Belle's technique/thought process: just for today, just for tonight I will not drink. I walked into my house and 10 minutes later while making dinner, I made my cocktail.
Why was I determined 10 minutes after I told my friend I wouldn't drink that I did? Why, when I was driving home listening to the Bubble Hour podcast on high functioning alcoholics
did I have to turn it off? I was relating as usual to the many things being discussed by the hosts, that I decided to stop listening and turn it off. I turned it off because I knew in my head I didn't want to hear it. I wanted a drink. I wanted to zone out. I wanted to relax. I wanted something to make me not think. I wanted to escape.
Why? Why zone out, escape reality? Why?
What am I avoiding or searching for?
Today I sit here, not hung over but guilt ridden. I didn't drink enough to get drunk. That is not bothering me but its the fact I did it when I said I wouldn't. I did it at home which has been my sober safe place. I did it in hiding.
Where do I go from here?