Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Where do I go from here?

the guilt is rising inside me.... I don't want to think about it..... I want to pretend it is not happening.  I let myself slip back into my old ways.  I want to not think and live in a bubble where everything is perfect and not deal with my feelings, thoughts, emotions, I just want to be.


I felt great not drinking and working on me for those 100 days.  Now, 5 weeks after my vacation where I started drinking again I can see myself going back to that dark place. Today I feel depressed, guilt, anger, and hatred with myself.  In these past 5 weeks, I drank 6 times at social events but not at home.  That was ok right, because they were special events and I wasn't drinking at home or alone?  Each time was in excess and I was drunk at the end of the night.  However last night I drank at home, alone (per se) and I kind of hid it.  (meaning I didn't say, hey honey I'm having a bloody mary in my big red solo cup, care to join me?) I had two large Bloody Mary's and finished off the vodka.  That vodka has been in the house since October 23, when I vowed to quit for 100 days.  (See Belle's blog:)

I never touched that vodka or my honey's beer.  Never had the desire or thought too.  I drank at home quite often the last two years and most of the time alone while everyone else was asleep.  Many mornings I would wake with an obnoxious hangover.  I don't want that anymore.  I don't want to be that person again.....

During those 100 days, once I had a few weeks under my belt, the thought never crossed my mind to stop and pick up a bottle of wine after work.  I would go through my normal evening routine with no thought of drinking.  Yesterday was a different story when driving home.  I had to tell myself, don't stop, don't do it.  I reached out and texted a friend from my sober blogging world.  I texted her, I will not drink today.  I told myself, I will not drink tonight.  I used Belle's technique/thought process: just for today, just for tonight I will not drink.  I walked into my house and 10 minutes later while making dinner, I made my cocktail.


Why was I determined 10 minutes after I told my friend I wouldn't drink that I did?  Why, when I was driving home listening to the Bubble Hour podcast on high functioning alcoholics
did I have to turn it off?  I was relating as usual to the many things being discussed by the hosts, that I decided to stop listening and turn it off.  I turned it off because I knew in my head I didn't want to hear it.  I wanted a drink.  I wanted to zone out.  I wanted to relax.  I wanted something to make me not think.  I wanted to escape.

Why?  Why zone out, escape reality?  Why? 

What am I avoiding or searching for?

Today I sit here, not hung over but guilt ridden.  I didn't drink enough to get drunk.  That is not bothering me but its the fact I did it when I said I wouldn't.  I did it at home which has been my sober safe place.  I did it in hiding. 

Where do I go from here?

Momma Bee