Monday, January 7, 2013

Day 6 of Whole 30

My stomach is a mess today... I ate way too much dried un-sulfured fruit last night...

I had my first Whole 30 cheat, I licked a tiny bit of peanut butter off my finger last night making kids lunches.... I need to up my water intake too.  I am getting in my protein, fruits and veggies.

No wine (or any alcohol) in 8 days.  God this feels good.  I'm sleeping like a baby and wish I could sleep more.

I was very bitchy this weekend, well more short tempered.  I told the kids mommy is cranky please just do what I say.  They didnt listen, lol.  It's the constant bickering between the two that really sends me into a tizzy. I wasn't really emotional this past weekend, I bet that is coming.  BF is away until later tonight.  He is the one that seems to trigger my emotions when I am not eating sugar or drinking.  I haven't heard from him since he left Friday.... he texted me Saturday a "Good Morning" and I texted the same thing back... that was the last I heard.  I told him no need to call all weekend unless an emergency arises, he is away with his buddies.  He ticked me off Wednesday and Thursday night and I haven't even spent time with him since New Years Day.  I'm happy I had some alone time this weekend.  Our relationship has had so many ups and downs.... its getting kind of old... like my drinking.  Since he has been gone, I really had no urges to drink...

I've been reading many different blogs and one I have been following is making me question myself....

Why don't I just do it??? Tell the world, I'm not drinking for ___________ days or I'm not drinking anymore.  What is holding me back?  What am I afraid of?  Failure? Admitting that I don't have control when I start to drink? I know drinking is not healthy for me and it makes me more depressed.  I just recently watched a documentary, Fat, Sick & Nearly Dying.  I know alcohol, processed foods, and sugar is no good, especially for me.  I watched Biggest Loser last night and made my kids watch it with me.  (I have one athletic skinny kid and one video gamer over weight kid.)   I want them to learn how hard it is being overweight as a child and how teasing hurts.  I was that kid too growing up.  I ate for comfort.  To this day, I eat for comfort and maybe I drink for comfort too.  I know continuous healthy eating and exercise is the answer, I have done it before.  I was once over 300 lbs, now I fluctuate around 180. 

Do I need Jillian yelling in my face,  what's holding you back?  Stop being a baby and making excuses and just do it!

I think the answer lies inside of me and I need help or the courage to find it.  The first step is being honest with myself and seeking therapy... I've scratched that surface a few times in the last year and it got hard and real and I didn't want to deal with it.  I made up excuses (kids, money, time, work) and cancelled those appointments....

So after these 30 Days, I'm hoping the motivation or light bulb will click on and I will see the light....

Until then, I keep plugging away one day at a time.

Momma Bee