Friday, May 31, 2013

Onto Day 4

I don't even know what to write..... I'm an emotional mess this morning. My plans for the weekend to find some me time to relax and help me stay away from any triggers or stressors to make me say, Fuck it, I deserve some wine, is backfiring. I know only I can control what I put in my glass but the problem is I don't trust me yet. I really want this. I want a few days to turn into a few weeks so I can look at myself in the mirror again and not cringe. I'm out of shape, pale, and a swollen mess. My goal was to spend some relaxation time at the beach, read a trashy novel and get some sun this weekend. Sun, Vitamin D helps my mood and a little color on my body helps me mentally. However kids (mainly one) isn't following my plan. So of course the emotional fragile state I am in I blow up. Mom this is what you do you freak out.  Yes, b/c no one asks me what I want! Everyone around here does what they want and I work around your plans and schedules. No one knows How bad I am.  I want to get out of this depressed state and stop this madness before its too late and something bad happens. 

So I will take it hour by hour and get thru today. I'll try to snap out of this pity party and stay strong. The bad moments will pass and I think thru it. 

I can do this. I deserve this. I am worth it. 

As a friend says, Fuck you Wolfie.

Momma Bee