Wednesday, October 10, 2012

18 Days of Whole 30 & Reality Just Smacked Me in the Face

Today is Day 19 of my Whole 30 Challenge....

I survived the weekend following the Whole 30 plan, food wise.  On Saturday (Day 14), I spent the day golfing with my boyfriend playing caddy.  Little did he know I drank a big glass of red wine before we went.  I hid that.  Little did he know while he was golfing and I was in the cart, I sneaked a few sips of his beer.  I hid that.  After we were done and having dinner at a bar, I started to unravel. I was in a bad mood b/c I wanted a drink and I was having a hard time finding someting that I could eat and satisfy me.  After we got home and he was watching tv w/ my son, I downed the rest of that wine bottle.  I litterally guzzled it but out of a glass of course.  I hid that.   I wasn't in control of myself or my mind.  When I stumbled to bed, he noticed.  When I woke up @ 2 am I realized, I f-ed up again. The next morning he asked why was I so crazy last night, what did I do?  He said I should of taped you.  I said you should have.  Sunday after errands, we hung out at a bar to watch the football game.  This is his typical Sunday, not mine.  I tagged along b/c we were at my familys vacation home.  Normally, I am soccer mom on Sundays.  He told me how proud he was of me following my new diet and not drinking.  I'm not even a football fan. I played w/ my phone checking facebook and playing word with friends.  I had a great Paleo friendly lunch there and drank many ice teas.  Later, we had a nice Turkey Dinner w/ my family back at the house.  On Monday, it was time to head back to work.  Tuesday evening, I was an emotional mess.  Angry, sad, pissed.  I was fine all day at work and on the way to my workout, my bf called and told me he couldn't work b/c of rain, so he went and played golf with a friend.  That set me off to an angry place and I am not sure why.  When he came home and was buzzed from his outing, I was even more on edge.  After a while I said, I am just not in a good place today and I am sorry.  He said I have one question I want to ask you.  What is it I said?? 

What were you on Saturday night?  Shit, please don't go there I thought!  You went from normal to a hot mess in minutes.  Were you on drugs?  Were you drunk?  If so, how did it happen so fast?  Tell me the truth, I deserve it.  I care about you and love you.  I sat there in silence for a long time, said I didnt want to talk about it, I walked away.  How can I tell him the truth when I can't even accept the truth?   Later I went outside to the garage where he smokes and broke down.  I said, "I was drunk and drank 3/4 of a bottle of red wine in like 10 minutes.  There the truth, you have it, I have a problem."  We talked for 2 hours.  I have told him few times before I need to cut back on my drinking.  I'm gaining weight and skipping my early morning workouts.  He has been down this same road before years ago before I met him.  He drinks almost daily and quit for 6 months years ago.  He told me many times, I just stopped, it was easy.  I was fine not drinking.  It didn't bother me.  I just needed a break.  He feels he doesn't have a problem.  (I'm sure that is debatable~ but this isn't about him) He isn't a binge drinker, doesn't drink at home, but he is a big social happy hour beer drinker.  It is how we met.  He wants me to be honest with him but how can I do that if I can't be honest with myself?  He told me, he will help me, he is on my side, he has been down this road,  he understands.  He told me he has been watching me.   I see you hide bottles in recycling and in the trash.  I come home and you lie that you were drinking or about how much you had.  I'm not stupid he says.  He is right, the last year and a half things have not been normal.  I'm not a normal drinker.  I am so ashamed.  I have so many postitive and great things in my life.  I have 2 great kids, a family business, wonderful parents and many close friends.  I haven't hit the traditional rock bottom and I dont want too.  Maybe this rock bottom is close enough?

My mother is an alcoholic in receovery.  She hasn't drank since I was 6.  I'm almost 40.  I have no desire or ready to confide in her.  We never had that type of relationship.  I have been following blogs, websites and questioned my actions for the last year.  This same time last year I was on "the wagon" for 10 days.  I have a friend doing the Whole 30 program with me.  She too struggles with her drinking.  We are helping each other to a point.  I told her I had wine Saturday, I was too embarassed to tell her how much or how I acted.  I never ask for help.  I'm type A and have a hard time asking for help or to reach out for support when I am struggling.  I went thru a horrible divorce years ago and acted like it was easy peasy.  I think the last few years I have been burying my hand in the sand.  I'm a single mom struggling with kids and an X who is not supportive and makes our lives very difficult.   I've been self medicating with wine and burying my emotions and stress.  I know I can't do this anymore.  That was one of the reasons I entered the Whole 30 challenge.  I need to change and I need to get better.

For now, I'm taking things, One Day at a Time.  Following the Whole 30 plan that includes no alcohol.  I already told my friends I may do this 60 days.  I'm thinking about my options, plans and what my next step should be.  So many thoughts are in my head.  I'm wondering if our relationship can survive me in sobriety?  Can I still hang out with my friends when I know they will be drinking? Do I really have a problem or just need to slow down and take a break for awhile?  All the questions a normal drinker doesn't ask themselves.  The right answers are in my head, I'm a very smart woman.  However, for now I will do that in my head and on my "secret" blog.  I will hide these thoughts from the real world.

 I need to slow down and just focus on today, One Day at a Time! 

Momma Bee