Thursday, December 5, 2013

Feelings

Something really weird happened to me this morning.  I was sitting and reading the book, by Mr. Sponsor Pants, called  Adventures in Sobriety.  Out of no where a memory flooded my mind.  I pictured my son around 1 1/2 in a whirlpool tub with my x-husband with bubbles up to their neck.  It was a real memory of a vacation when it was just the 3 of us (before my other child was born).  I actually have a photo of this moment.  I have no idea why this memory popped into my head and I was flooded with sadness.  Fast forward 12 years, I am divorced and my son and his father have an estranged relationship at the moment.  I was sad because there will be no more family moments like that.  I have been divorced for over 6 years.  I thought to myself, here is a feeling of sadness and there is nothing to do but embrace the moment.  I went in my bedroom and just sat quietly for a few moments and it passed.

I have no idea where I am really going with this but since I am sober now (44 days) I am starting to notice my emotions more.  If this happened months ago, I would not have poured a glass of wine at 8 am to rid the memory but I would have dismissed it and thought a negative thought about my X husband.  Today, I just thought about the memory, shed a tear for a moment and just went about my morning routine.  I felt the sadness and let it go.  Shortly following I was smiling and singing a favorite song. 

Being sober I no longer have wine to make me feel better when I am sad.  I won't be able to ignore my feelings and stuff them back inside.  I never realized I did this but I am assuming that there is something, I am not sure what that something is (and not sure I want to know) that instead of feeling or dealing with my emotions, I used food and or booze to comfort myself.  I believe this goes back to my early teen years. 

I believe there is something inside my mind that I need to address.  I am finally seeing that I have a unhealthy relationship with food, booze and myself. 

Momma Bee