Something really weird happened to me this morning. I was sitting and reading the book, by Mr. Sponsor Pants, called Adventures in Sobriety. Out of no where a memory flooded my mind. I pictured my son around 1 1/2 in a whirlpool tub with my x-husband with bubbles up to their neck. It was a real memory of a vacation when it was just the 3 of us (before my other child was born). I actually have a photo of this moment. I have no idea why this memory popped into my head and I was flooded with sadness. Fast forward 12 years, I am divorced and my son and his father have an estranged relationship at the moment. I was sad because there will be no more family moments like that. I have been divorced for over 6 years. I thought to myself, here is a feeling of sadness and there is nothing to do but embrace the moment. I went in my bedroom and just sat quietly for a few moments and it passed.
I have no idea where I am really going with this but since I am sober now (44 days) I am starting to notice my emotions more. If this happened months ago, I would not have poured a glass of wine at 8 am to rid the memory but I would have dismissed it and thought a negative thought about my X husband. Today, I just thought about the memory, shed a tear for a moment and just went about my morning routine. I felt the sadness and let it go. Shortly following I was smiling and singing a favorite song.
Being sober I no longer have wine to make me feel better when I am sad. I won't be able to ignore my feelings and stuff them back inside. I never realized I did this but I am assuming that there is something, I am not sure what that something is (and not sure I want to know) that instead of feeling or dealing with my emotions, I used food and or booze to comfort myself. I believe this goes back to my early teen years.
I believe there is something inside my mind that I need to address. I am finally seeing that I have a unhealthy relationship with food, booze and myself.
Momma Bee
It is so amazing to me how much more I notice my emotions since I have gotten sober. And, I can justify them more now because I know I am entitled to those feelings and they weren't intensified by booze. I got into a small argument last Sunday with my husband while we were cleaning out our garage. It wasn't anything major, just something stupid about whether or not we should put my scooter in storage for the winter or not. It was around 3 in the afternoon and while I would not have went into the house and dumped myself a big glass of booze if I were still drinking, I would have wondered if my being angry was intensified by the previous nights drinks. I was always wondering if my emotions were deserved or not. Now, I feel what I feel and I KNOW those feelings are normal. And, it FEELS good :)
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