Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Is it time for AA?

Today is 43 days since my last hangover, gulp of wine, and purchase of any booze......

I have been reading many sober blogs, I joined a private yahoo group online, listened to sober podcasts, started using the words "my sobriety", and just recently researching AA meeting locations online.....

I have said AA meetings are not for me.  I think the reason I say that is I am scared or afraid to admit to the world and especially myself, I have an alcohol problem.  I am alcoholic.  I don't like the word "alcoholic".  I don't like labels.  I don't like negative words like, fat, ugly, or mean.  If someone called me those words or thought that about me I would be upset, hurt and sad.  Maybe if people think (or know?) I am an alcoholic, I would be hurt, upset and disappointed in myself.  However when I listen to other women in the sober community accept and embrace the word alcoholism it seems the only way to move forward.  In my heart I know that I have a problem with alcohol.  I have tried moderation and it eventually leads back to binges of a bottle of wine or more a day with a day break here and there.  I believe I need to accept I am powerless of alcohol.  I never just want one glass of wine and majority of the time I am going to bed drunk or passed out.  Doesn't that mean I am powerless over alcohol?  Shouldn't the best thing for my health, my future and my children is to give up booze forever?  Just accept "forever" and move to the next step?

I believe the only way for certain to know these answers and take the next step in my journey is to explore the route of face to face meetings.  I enjoy the sober blogging community and it has been very helpful for me so far but I believe the help doesn't stop there.  Isn't the next step either counseling or a 12 step meeting program? Why am I so afraid? Should I just wait a little more and see how I feel after a few more weeks? Should I just bite the bullet and attend a meeting?  We are taught you can't say something is not for you or you don't like it if you don't try it.

As a child I sat and stared at the plate of brussel sprouts for a very long time because my grandmother wouldn't let me get up without trying at least one.  I eventually did and said I hate them.  Now some 25 years later, I love brussel sprouts.  Grandmom probably shakes her head when she looks down from heaven and sees me eating a plate of them.  I wonder what she is thinking of me now as I type this??

Momma Bee