Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Happy New Year

Happy New Year! 
I am looking forward to 2014 actually.  I am not making any big resolutions this year, not because every year I never stick to them but because I am already working on my resolution.  Today marks  70 days since I had a hangover or any booze.  It hasn't been easy the whole time but it hasn't been very hard either.  Dealing with my emotions has been the hardest and at times I felt like a basket case but I haven't give in.  I am proud at how far I have come and I look forward to how far I can go in 2014.  I will continue my journey to refrain from alcohol, continue the therapy sessions that deal with my relationship with food, continue taking my antidepressant and get my ass back to the gym.  I look forward to being more present for my children and all other areas of my personal and professional life in 2014.  I hope that my mood swings will even out in the new year and my mental health keeps improving.  Mentally, I feel so much better than this past summer.  I have my yearly physical in early January and I will speak to my MD about my recent anxiety and see if my script from last year is right for me now.
I wish you all many blessings in 2014 and I thank you for all your support. 
Momma Bee


Friday, December 27, 2013

Catching up on Day 66

I haven't fell off the face of the earth.... I had a very nice sober Christmas and my family did as well.  The kids made out like bandits again, spoiled rotten by the entire family.  We enjoyed a quiet relaxing Christmas day at home in our pajamas all day and we had a delicious dinner of Prime Rib prepared by my BF.  It couldn't of been any better.  My BF gave me a fancy camera and I am looking forward to a new hobby of taking photos of the kids and the outside world.  I am in awe when I see pretty photos of nature, or children taken by others and I really would like to try my hand at it.  It was the best gift I could of asked for.  We are vacationing in South America this coming February and I can't wait to take lots of photos. 
Today marks 66 days since my last hangover or drink if you will.  I like to think of it as my last hangover, the awful feeling of pain, guilt, shame and everything else that comes with it.  I am still listening to sober podcasts from Belle and the Bubble Hour, reading blogs about others journey's of  sobriety and started seeing a therapist for my food related issues.  I am happy that in the upcoming New Year I am not filled with regret of not achieving anything positive in regards to my health in 2013.  It did take me about 10 months of excessive drinking and eating this year to finally say, ENOUGH,  I can't do this anymore!!! I finally did say enough and I have begun on the path of recovery.  I have a big issue with using food and booze to deal and cope with my feelings and emotions and I am finally addressing it after all these years.  Well I hope I continue to address my issues in the new year and in hopes 2014 I will be much happier with myself both mentally and physically. 
My goal was to go 100 days without any booze.  I have attempted to do this once before and failed after 15 days.  I am not sure what clicked this time and I really don't think that matters,  I am just proud of myself for how far I have come.   
My journey will not be over at 100 days and I believe it will just be beginning of a "new life" as I turn 40 this summer.  
I am looking forward to a new year, a new outlook and new beginnings. 
Thanks for reading! 
Momma Bee

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Where did this month go?

Ummm, hello?  We are half way thru December and Christmas is in less than a week.  I remember saying to myself, wow November flew by.  I looked at the calendar yesterday and thought, I have been sober for 8 weekends in a row?  When I tried the 100 day challenge the past I made it 2 weeks and had to start over.  So many times I would say, I will only drink on weekends, or special events, or every other day and some times I would do it but not before long I would be back to drinking 5,6 or 7 days per week.  So one morning when I was wide awake at 3:30 I finally just had enough of the bullshit. and I vowed to quit for 100 days.  I told myself I wouldn't die or miss out on anything if I quit for 100 days.  Guess what, I am on Day 58 and I am ok.  I have been moody, irritable, restless, and bored at times but the moments pass.  However, I was like too when I was drinking.  I have watched friends drink a glass or two and even watched friends get drunk.  I have had a few moments where I wish I was drinking too but not once have I had a moment when I woke up and said, I wish I was hung over.  I don't miss the hangovers.  I don't miss eating shitty greasy food in hopes it makes me feel better.  I don't miss trying to hide my drinking or how much I already had.   I don't miss trying not to slur when I speak.  I don't miss the unknown of I did that or I said that? 

Looking back the past 58 days were not really that hard... yup there were some sucky moments but the time is flying by and I am ok with it. 

I am looking forward to Christmas and the New Year.  There will be no New Years resolution this year because I already started mine.  Every year I make a promise to drink less, exercise more and be healthier.  The hardest one I am already doing, drink less.  The rest will fall into place as more days go by.

I am actually proud of myself and I don't remember the last time I said that. 

Thanks for your support.

Momma Bee


Wednesday, December 11, 2013

50 Days

I just looked at my app and saw 50 Days! I have been sober for 50 Days! 


I'm half way to 100 Days! 


It hasn't been easy but then it hasn't been super hard. One day at a time truly is the right way to focus and at times it was one hour at a time.

I never believed in myself I could get this far and I did. So that is the push I need to get thru the next 50 days, one day at a time.

If you haven't joined this journey yet but believe you need to cut back or quit drinking, check out Belle's 100 Day Challenge and commit to just 100 days. It took my third attempt to make real progress and I'm glad I kept trying.


Thanks to all my friends in the sober blogging world! Your support has been amazing!


Momma Bee

PS Fifty Days!!!!!!

Friday, December 6, 2013


I woke up touchy, moody and a with a little headache..... Honestly the headache could be from this stupid weather or the 600 calories in cookies I had last night.  The weather where I am has been 60 F. Ummm, it should be in the 30s and it will drop down again on Sunday. I'm not complaining but it is muggy and feels like a pressure headache.....


It's my mind maybe stressing about tonight? I feel positive but my brain maybe isn't? Tonight is a big ladies night out to a concert in the City.  This has been planned since March.  I'm the party hostess.   I'm happy that it is Friday and most ladies work today so we can't do dinner or have much time to pre-game before the concert.  Everyone is meeting at my house an hour or so before the limo comes.  Its BYO so I don't have to provide booze and I hope none is left here.  If I find open wine left here it will be poured out.  Even after 44 days shit could temp me. We will mingle, nosh on some appetizers and I will have my sparkling water.  Most of the ladies know I'm on a no drinking kick and few think I'm nuts~ lol.  I will be fine at the venue and the limo is bringing us straight home...... Unless peeps want to stop but that will cost extra and this time of year these mommies are on budget, thank god! Plus, I normally would of been the one to say, let's stop for some shots! Tonight I'm the hostess and head bitch in charge so I need to be responsible and sober! However, in my drinking past it's when we get home safe & sound and before I head to bed I would knock a few glasses back..... Hence why no booze will be allowed to stay behind. I feel really strong that I can say no.  I know I can't drink today or even tomorrow because I pledged 100 days to be sober and I'm halfway there.  (Don't worry the plan is to keep going after 100 but we don't tell Wolfie that yet). 

So I will try to be productive at work today. My concentration has been horrible for a long time now.  Prior to quiting and after. Now I read tons of sober blogs, Facebook, Twitter, OMG etc.... I need to stay off the internet and get stuff done today. It will be a fun tonight and I could use a ladies night out.  This weekend plans is to clean and decorate for Christmas. Hopefully gym trips both days since I haven't gone since Monday and I'm eating enough carbs this week to hibernate all winter long.....

Hope you have a great sober day too!

Momma Bee

Thursday, December 5, 2013


Something really weird happened to me this morning.  I was sitting and reading the book, by Mr. Sponsor Pants, called  Adventures in Sobriety.  Out of no where a memory flooded my mind.  I pictured my son around 1 1/2 in a whirlpool tub with my x-husband with bubbles up to their neck.  It was a real memory of a vacation when it was just the 3 of us (before my other child was born).  I actually have a photo of this moment.  I have no idea why this memory popped into my head and I was flooded with sadness.  Fast forward 12 years, I am divorced and my son and his father have an estranged relationship at the moment.  I was sad because there will be no more family moments like that.  I have been divorced for over 6 years.  I thought to myself, here is a feeling of sadness and there is nothing to do but embrace the moment.  I went in my bedroom and just sat quietly for a few moments and it passed.

I have no idea where I am really going with this but since I am sober now (44 days) I am starting to notice my emotions more.  If this happened months ago, I would not have poured a glass of wine at 8 am to rid the memory but I would have dismissed it and thought a negative thought about my X husband.  Today, I just thought about the memory, shed a tear for a moment and just went about my morning routine.  I felt the sadness and let it go.  Shortly following I was smiling and singing a favorite song. 

Being sober I no longer have wine to make me feel better when I am sad.  I won't be able to ignore my feelings and stuff them back inside.  I never realized I did this but I am assuming that there is something, I am not sure what that something is (and not sure I want to know) that instead of feeling or dealing with my emotions, I used food and or booze to comfort myself.  I believe this goes back to my early teen years. 

I believe there is something inside my mind that I need to address.  I am finally seeing that I have a unhealthy relationship with food, booze and myself. 

Momma Bee

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Is it time for AA?

Today is 43 days since my last hangover, gulp of wine, and purchase of any booze......

I have been reading many sober blogs, I joined a private yahoo group online, listened to sober podcasts, started using the words "my sobriety", and just recently researching AA meeting locations online.....

I have said AA meetings are not for me.  I think the reason I say that is I am scared or afraid to admit to the world and especially myself, I have an alcohol problem.  I am alcoholic.  I don't like the word "alcoholic".  I don't like labels.  I don't like negative words like, fat, ugly, or mean.  If someone called me those words or thought that about me I would be upset, hurt and sad.  Maybe if people think (or know?) I am an alcoholic, I would be hurt, upset and disappointed in myself.  However when I listen to other women in the sober community accept and embrace the word alcoholism it seems the only way to move forward.  In my heart I know that I have a problem with alcohol.  I have tried moderation and it eventually leads back to binges of a bottle of wine or more a day with a day break here and there.  I believe I need to accept I am powerless of alcohol.  I never just want one glass of wine and majority of the time I am going to bed drunk or passed out.  Doesn't that mean I am powerless over alcohol?  Shouldn't the best thing for my health, my future and my children is to give up booze forever?  Just accept "forever" and move to the next step?

I believe the only way for certain to know these answers and take the next step in my journey is to explore the route of face to face meetings.  I enjoy the sober blogging community and it has been very helpful for me so far but I believe the help doesn't stop there.  Isn't the next step either counseling or a 12 step meeting program? Why am I so afraid? Should I just wait a little more and see how I feel after a few more weeks? Should I just bite the bullet and attend a meeting?  We are taught you can't say something is not for you or you don't like it if you don't try it.

As a child I sat and stared at the plate of brussel sprouts for a very long time because my grandmother wouldn't let me get up without trying at least one.  I eventually did and said I hate them.  Now some 25 years later, I love brussel sprouts.  Grandmom probably shakes her head when she looks down from heaven and sees me eating a plate of them.  I wonder what she is thinking of me now as I type this??

Momma Bee